A Few Days in SeptemberAnthony Macali
September the 1st, 2001. Elliot, an American CIA agent holding top secret information on the immediate future of the world.
This film is best summarised in its title. It simply follows a couple of people spending a few days in September. They talk; sometimes they meet people, only to have to wait a day to meet them again, allowing more hapless discussion. The direction features a series of blurry shots throughout, with an impact undermined by the headaches they induce. The dialogue is ambiguous, characters ever-so irritating and an ending more irksome than profound.
Battle: Los AngelesAnthony Macali
A recently discharged Staff Sergeant goes back into the line of duty in order to assist a 2nd Lieutenant and his platoon as they fight to reclaim the city of Los Angeles from alien invaders.
"Battle: Los Angeles" is good at a few things: making sure the plot is abundantly clear, and producing loud noises to accompany the greatest array of CGI army vehicles and artillery ever known to man. Only a few clicks into the running time, the mind numbs, and your time is invaded by boredom. The inordinate amounts of action will only provide service to pubescent teens seeking the same experience as their video games. Want more than pyrotechnics, and you're fighting a losing battle.
Bride WarsWendy Slevison
Two best friends become rivals when they schedule their respective weddings on the same day.
If your idea of comedy is watching two intelligent and astute female characters descend into idiocy over their oh-so-precious weddings, then you may just enjoy this movie. To everyone else, I offer a warning - AVOID. "Bride Wars" is squirmingly bad clichéd drivel, which relies too heavily on uninspired sight gags for its laughs. There are far more worthy films for discerning moviegoers to spend their money on, and supporting this rubbish only encourages more of it.
Cop OutAnthony Macali
A comedy about a veteran NYPD cop whose rare baseball card is stolen. Since it's his only hope to pay for his daughter's upcoming wedding, he recruits his partner to track down the thief.
"Cop Out" is a deliberate homage to the budding action-comedy films of the eighties, and does them a great injustice. There are some jokes, but they mainly consist of characters behaving badly to themes of terribly distorted music that insult the subject of its imitations. Admittedly, there is fun pondering over the motivations of the cast and if they realised they were a partner to such a flop. This film should be suspended without release.
A keen look at the unusual private life of a father and his daughter, set on the fringe of society.
This is one of those movies where the audience is left in suspense, waiting with the expectation of some hidden moral message or meaning to come. Except in this film, it never does. Sure, the point might very well be the examination of a protagonist who in essence is uninteresting, or even the examination of an uninteresting man's life... unfortunately this translates to the entirety of "Curling" as well. Sitting through it will leave you wishing you were able to stick your head in the snow of its wintry backdrop than endure another drawn-out minute. Would rather cop a snowball to the face.
Dorian GrayWendy Slevison
A corrupt young man keeps his youthful beauty eternally, but a painting reveals his inner ugliness.
Set in Victorian London, this film is a turgid and vulgar representation of a fascinating morality tale by an author renowned for his witty social commentary. Sadly, all wit is lost due to the blank, lacklustre performance by the central player. Despite stylishly replicating the era,and having a strong support cast, "Dorian Gray" completely lacks substance, and the CGI effects used for the portrait become increasingly, albeit unintentionally, comic. Regrettably, this movie is as ugly in it's essence as the title character.
Dumb and Dumber ToAnthony Macali
20 years since their first adventure, Lloyd and Harry go on a road trip to find Harry's newly discovered daughter.
"Dumb and Dumber To" is one of those sequels that sadly sours your experience of watching the first instalment. Revisiting the characters 20 years on was always a dangerous proposition, and this agonising journey does very little to validate the idea. A large number of the jokes are mere imitations of their first incarnations, and anything else that is somewhat original is generally pretty poor. For most part, the film trudges along before grinding to an inevitable halt. Just dumb.
Fantastic FourStefan Sgarioto
After being transported to an alternative universe, four youngsters gain superpowers and soon become the superhero group known as the Fantastic Four.
This reboot's mediocre attempt to emulate the now commonplace dark and gritty style of modern superhero films is just only one example of how it has missed the mark. How can a film spend so long setting up the story, only to exhibit a complete lack of character development and narrative progression? This conundrum, culminating with average CGI, an ill-fitting tone and poor casting choices- makes for an easily forgettable viewing experience. Fantastic failure.
In New York City, a young counterfeiter is introduced to the world of street fighting.
"Fighting" is yet another 'underground' brawling pic that packs little punch. Don't be mislead by the title, as this movie plays more like an unconvincing character study interrupted by the odd fist-fight. Weighed down by a seriously sluggish plot, it drags on from scene to scene, evoking little feeling except making you want to throw in the towel. Brutal, bone-crunching fights are laughable, leaving the mumbling pretty-boy-lead with nothing but a few scratches on his chin. Pay the price for admission and you're in for one nasty sucker-punch.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of CobraCourtney Slevison
An elite military unit comprised of special operatives known as G.I. Joe, takes on an evil organization led by a notorious arms dealer.
In an already crowded genre, it takes a lot for a sci-fi action flick to stand out. It requires clever script-writing, restraint in the special effects department and quality acting. This film has none of those elements, and is therefore a forgettable, mediocre experience. The dialogue is so bad it's hard to sit through, and is punctuated every 10 minutes by an action sequence so over-produced it seems cartoon-ish. For die-hard actions fans only!
Two men, who don't realise they have just holidayed in the same place, at the same time, and with the same people, talk about their respective holidays over drinks.
The premise of "Hahaha" is quite amusing and the film is described as a comedy. It's a low budget effort with no fancy props or effects. Redolent of a lazy summer holiday, the pace is almost lethargic. However, the pace and simple presentation are problematic when watching becomes tedious and eye-lids heavy. Despite the cleverness of the plot told from different perspectives, the film relates a boring tale albeit in a picturesque setting. Hmmmmm...
Holy MotorsStefan Bugryn
The mysterious Monsieur Oscar spends a day vaulting from one persona to the next…
Be warned: this surrealist fantasia is one hell of a challenge. Like an abstract painting, precious little is explained, and almost everything is open to interpretation. More questions are raised than answered, which will no doubt instigate discussion and arguments after viewing. Sadly, the majority of those questions are just plain pretentious, self indulgent, and weird. It will confound, confuse, shock, tease, frustrate, and ultimately, divide the audience. If it doesn't captivate you, it will simply disgust you. But that's the beauty of cinema, right? Well, not for everyone.
In the Heart of the SeaAnthony Macali
Inspired by Moby Dick, a ship is stranded at sea after its hunt for whale oil turns sour after a confrontation with a giant sperm whale.
Being stranded at sea is a terrible experience; hungry and trapped with no end in sight. It's an ordeal similar to watching this film, so make sure you bring popcorn to stave off the hunger. "In the Heart of the Sea" stinks, and no amount of computer-generated whales and their blow-holes were going to save this ship from sinking. The story is so boring and uninvolved that you just don't care; about any of the characters, or their fate. Stay clear of this storm. Disaster of the sea.
Jack ReacherAndrew O'Dea
A homicide investigator delves into a case involving a trained sniper who shot five random victims.
"Jack Reacher" is an outlandish crime-drama hampered by a severe lack of originality and a false assuredness in its direction. Rather than maintaining an element of suspense, crucial twists and plot points are explained in painstaking detail, as the film builds to an anti-climax you wish arrived sooner. Along with gaping holes in the storyline that are just plain baffling, action sequences are boring and generic, and the dialogue clichéd to the point of being unintentionally laughable. Don't go reaching into your pocket for this cinematic mess.
A teacher opens a time capsule that has been dug up at his son's elementary school; in it are some chilling predictions lead him to believe his family plays a role in the events that are about to unfold.
"Knowing" is a movie about numbers and creepy whispering guys who ghost around gifting children smooth black rocks and cute white rabbits. These are but small examples of its absurdity, and should only appeal to those sadistic few who enjoy seeing large groups of people killed in disastrous CGI mayhem (or the constant and expressionless face of the lead actor). Knowing this is what the future may hold, there is no excuse to watch this film.
Land of the LostAndrew O'Dea
On his latest expedition, Dr. Rick Marshall is sucked into a space-time vortex alongside his research assistant and a redneck survivalist.
"Land of the Lost" is an abomination of a movie. Bad sets combine with bad acting to create a "comedy" with no excuse for the multitude of tasteless jokes devoid of even the slightest hint of wit. Every scene seems to be nothing more than yet another tireless opportunity to parade some gimmicky prop, as it consistently loses all sense of direction. The only thing to be found in this film is an overwhelming sense of relief when the end credits roll.
A retiree battles to obtain his rightfully due pension.
The grainy uneven quality of this film could be interpreted as artistic or just plain grainy and uneven. This movie was black to the point of miserable. Rather than being entertaining, "Mammuth" is bizarre. Populated with lifeless and simple characters, it's also dull. Even if you 'get' the redemptive elements of the awkward road-trip, you can't help but resent the waste of your time spent watching these lives less lived. Honestly there is no poetry in sliced ham, but you'll have to sit through a screening to 'get' that reference. Only if you must.
A horrific bus accident sends a young woman down an emotionally destructive path to seek justice.
This film is painfully long. The lazy editing could have culled a scene or ten, saving the audience some sanity and patience. Instead, we’re left with an overly intricate nit-picking of one of the most annoying characters in cinema. She is a dishonest, manipulative, and obnoxious teenager who uses others for her own self-righteousness. The supposed saving grace is her ‘noble’ intention, but she comes across as nothing more than an unrelenting monster. A lot of the scenes are too pretentious and preachy to be taken seriously. Have a Margarita instead.
A grief counselor working with a group of plane-crash survivors finds herself at the root of a mystery when her clients begin to disappear.
"Passengers" is a horrible drama that fails dismally in its feeble attempt to pose as a thriller. Everything about the movie is decidedly uneventful, accentuated by sluggish pacing and an unremarkable script. The gloomy camerawork throughout succeeds only in making the vapid plot seem monotonous; the only respite coming when it inevitably crashes and burns in a dissatisfying twist-ending. If you pay to go watch this film, you will have been taken for a ride.
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger TidesCourtney Slevison
Jack Sparrow and Barbossa embark on a quest to find the elusive fountain of youth.
This installment of the "Pirates" franchise is quite simply a waste of time. Despite a lengthy running time, nothing new or fresh is introduced, nor are existing relationships or characters developed. Everyone's favourite pirate, Jack Sparrow, becomes a parody of his former self as he delivers one cheesy one-liner after another. The film simply goes through the motions without anywhere near the excitement or enchantment of its predecessors. Unfortunately, the amazing set design and dazzling CGI effects are the only saving grace of this sinking ship.
Over the course of a tense afternoon, a gang of five lure three younger boys into a complex street scam in order to rob them.
"Play" is based on real events that happened in Sweden. The movie is shot on location and uses untrained actors, imbibing a mockumentary tone, leaving a funny taste that it is neither fact nor fiction. The interactions between the cocky perpetrators and the intimidated targets make racial tensions uncomfortably palpable, but there's little else on offer. Interesting enough, but real-time drags like slow motion as the film goes on and on without getting anywhere. No fun.
Two young Americans with special abilities must race to find a girl in Hong Kong before a shadowy government organization called Division does.
"Push" is a forgettable addition to the 'superheroes' genre. The only superpower present here is the uncanny ability to teleport from one completely inane plot hole to another. The storyline is as boring as it is confusing, exacerbated by flimsy handheld camerawork and an unflattering visual style. Even the ostentatious action sequences end up looking like nothing more than sci-fi muddle. When push comes to shove, this film falls flat on its face.
Scary Movie 5Andrew O'Dea
A couple begin to experience some unusual activity after bringing children home from the hospital.
The opening sequence of "Scary Movie 5" sets the tone, signifying the epitome of rock-bottom for the 'stars' at its centre. Just when the franchise couldn't possibly squelch any further into the depths of cinematic depravity, this latest offering insults us with a 'dumbed-down version of stupid stuff'. There's almost a sense of desperation as a series of painfully unfunny skits are force-fed to the audience in a feeble attempt at comedy. Juvenile and unfunny, the only scary thing about this movie is that they might make another one.
Shrek the ThirdLuke Bartter
When his new father-in-law, King Harold falls ill, Shrek is looked to as the heir of the land Far, Far Away.
The story is thin, but this is usually overcome by providing enough solid laughs. Lacking the emotional pull of the first film and the thrilling finale of the second, the third film just languishes in its ordinariness. Another problem is that despite introducing several new characters, the films few laughs come when Donkey and Puss in Boots are on screen, and when they're not present it just feels flat. "Shrek The Third" is strictly for the fans and is medi-ogre at best. Heh.
A Lisbon woman seeks out a man who has a secret connection to her neighbour’s past life on a farm by Mount Tabu in Africa.
The film-maker's craft is skillfully realised in stunning black and white, and "Tabu" is visually rewarding. Innovative audio techniques leave the telling of the background story to a narrator with a flat style that eventually weighs down interest. The real let down is a plot that lacks depth. The movie is not redeemed by its symbolism... a crocodile obviously warns of lurking danger. Ironically it's the very same reptile that remains the only snappy thing about this film. Not fabu(lous).