Nine
Famous film director Guido Contini struggles both professionally and personally, as he engages in dramatic relationships with his wife, mistress, muse, agent, and (dead) mother.
This film, for all its pedigree, including an astonishing array of talent and a highly successful director, is a flop. A tedious and uninspiring melange of boring songs, superfluous characters, and very little narrative, it's a rare miscalculation in the career of the leading man, and a blot on the resumes of everyone else involved. Who convinced these people they could sing? Let 'nine' be the number of minutes it takes you to decide on which other movie you'll go and see instead of this debacle.
The Final Destination
After a teen's premonition of a deadly race-car crash helps saves the lives of his peers, Death sets out to collect those who evaded their end.
Grisly, gory death now comes at us in 3D, yet nothing exciting or fresh is added to the genre. The plot is crazy, convoluted and makes little attempt to be original. This completely unnecessary addition to the franchise takes it to ridiculous new lows, such as death by car wash. Yes, really. Let's just hope they mean it when they say 'final'.
Couples Retreat
Four couples settle into a tropical island resort for a vacation, and participate in the resort's therapy sessions.
This film is a confused jumble of lacklustre characters, puerile humour and vulgar sight gags. The people who should be participating in therapy sessions are the studio executives who gave it the green light. The setting is spectacular; everything else is awful, particularly the script and the acting, from a cast you'd expect more from. Please don't waste your hard-earned money to see this, or you may well need therapy too.
Soula Ela Xana
A teacher on the Greek island of Spetses receives four offers of marriage on her 30th birthday.
This cheeky Greek pantomime style comedy is like fairy floss for the audience; pretty, sweet and insubstantial fare. The characters romp around in an overly theatrical style that is faintly amusing and only mildly entertaining. It's certainly no aphrodisiac, and from the misleading title to the predictable ending the on-screen antics fail to excite the viewer. As a cinematic experience you are left hoping there is something better than S.E.X.
- Genre » Comedy Romance
- Festival » Greek Film Festival 2009
Paper Soldier
A Soviet medical officer is conflicted about his position overseeing the health of future cosmonauts.
Perhaps it was the Russian storytelling style, or the poor subtitles, but this film was mostly unintelligible; as inaccessible as the vast barren plains on which it was set. The problem may have been situational - something to do with the futility of training cosmonauts in a desolate sodden Kazakhstan campsite. Was that the point this surreal viewing experience, complete with camels, was making? If the space race was anything like this, it must have been incomprehensible and doomed for gloom.
Welcome to Farewell-Gutmann
The Human Resources Department of the pharmaceutical company 'Farewell-Gutmann' has lost its director; his underlings all vying for the job.
This is a dark and sadistic view of corporate life in an HR department. The film is as visually drab and colourless as the executives seeking promotion. The vain, ruthless, and broken characters offer little to engage with as they humiliate one another - the hypocrisy of the slippery slope to the top doled out with a heavy hand. Lacking the essential dexterity of a good black comedy, few will be sorry to say 'adios' to "Farewell-Gutmann".
- Genre » Comedy
- Festival » Festival of German Films 2009
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
A bachelor is haunted by the ghosts of his past girlfriends at his younger brother's wedding.
Romantic comedy is a tricky genre. At the very least, an engaging and believable story is required for success, together with a convincing cast. This movie fails spectacularly on both these points, and is made worse by an unimaginative, hackneyed, and at times distasteful script. With insipid performances from all of the actors involved, in particular the one-dimensional male lead, there is just no redeeming this appalling waste of time and money. It really is as ghastly as the title suggests.
Dragonball Evolution
The young warrior Son Goku sets out on a quest, racing against time and the vengeful King Piccolo.
This is a bland by-the-numbers adaptation that makes the extraordinary seem ordinary, and where viewers with even the lowest expectations will find disappointment. Poor acting, a predictable story, and weak special effects, it bears a closer resemblance to a compilation of amatuer clips rather than an actual movie. The mercifully brief running time is it's best trait, and all that is required for each of the caricatures to grind out each scene till the ridiculous ending. A harsh betrayal of the manga and anime that came before it, "Dragonball Evolution" is anything but.
The Happening
When large amounts of people start inexplicably committing suicide in America, panic ensues.
The real disappointment about this movie stems from it's obvious lack of quality throughout. Other than a few intense scenes, it's dull and long-winded, so your curiosity runs out regardless of the unusual phenomenon. When you stop caring about the 'why' or even what happens to the characters, watching feels like a task. Tedious and lifeless, the most mysterious thing is how "The Happening" managed to get made into a feature film.
Death Defying Acts
On a tour of Britain in 1926, Harry Houdini enters into a passionate affair with a psychic out to con the famous magician.
Despite "Death's" great cast and look, it is disappointingly unengaging and flat. The director might want you to think "what happens next?", but never answers the question "why should you care?". The detachment from the characters severs all tension and excitement, even making Houdini's stunts seem lacklustre. Not worth your time, unless you really want to make a donation to support local cinema. Not even Houdini himself could escape the mediocrity of this film.
10,000 BC
A prehistoric epic that follows a young mammoth hunter's journey through uncharted territory to secure the future of his tribe.
I can only imagine how this film's pre-production went. "We can have a script or generate a woolly mammoth? We could cast decent actors or generate another woolly mammoth? Maybe consider throwing in some pre-historic authenticity, or just go with another one of those impressive woolly mammoths?". As empty as the desert, and unintelligent as the dialogue and cavemen that inhabit this film, "10000 BC" is one of the worst films in history.
The Death of Mr. Lazarescu
Follows the title character as he is passed on from hospital to hospital waiting for dire attention.
As the health of Mr. Lazarescu deteriorates then fails, so does this film. If the intention was to force the audience to associate with (and endure) Mr. Lazarescu's suffering, then it is a resonating success. The shaky handheld camerawork becomes nauseating, and the drawn out length nearly bores us to death. You can't help finding yourself willing his demise to come sooner, not to end his agony, but your own. Such is the lack of empathy created by unstirring, stagnant scenes. Avoid like the plague.
Romulus, My Father
It tells the story of Romulus, his beautiful wife, Christina, and their struggle in the face of great adversity to bring up their son, Raimond.
This film is turgid and slow, full of uninteresting, 'poignant' scenes that seem to exist only to make the most of the lengthy running time. The characters suffer through their lives, and the audience suffers too, not in empathy, but in boredom. It's understandable that the target audience might be those who adore Australian independent films about the human condition, but in any case most will find it dull and uninspiring. Best avoided.
The Holiday
Two women, both with men issues, go on holiday for two weeks by swapping. This can only lead to love.
A romantic comedy with characters you are entirely unsympathetic for. It wouldn't even classify as a comedy, as the over-the-top antics on display are not lovable, only annoying. It wouldn't even classify as a romance, as the contrivances that bring the leads together leave little work for them to impress each other. This movie is simply stupid and it hurt watching it.