The Next Three Days - Movie Poster

The Next Three Days

0.5 Wendy Slevison

A married couple's life is turned upside down when the wife is accused of a murder.

"The Next Three Days" is an arrogant American remake of a first-rate French film. However, the elegance of the original is completely lost in translation. Absurd, implausible, boring and disconnected are words that come to mind to describe this pretentious mishmash. Actually, the leading man has about as much charisma as a lump of mash, and this is far from his best work. The leading lady is merely forgettable. As a couple… who cares? This supposed thriller feels as though it drags on for three days - please don't waste your time.


Mother's Day - Movie Poster

Mother's Day

0.5 Anne Murphy

A celebration of motherhood as Mother's Day approaches.

Mothers... don't let your children grow up to watch Mother's Day movies, make sure they have better things to do. If only the all-star ensemble had looked a bit embarrassed as they played out this offensive movie. Sadly they didn't, as they should have. This effort in attempting to explore family and diversity is too long, too crass, too icky and just plain awful. It is a wonder this film made it to a cinema near you, it didn't deserve to. Schlocking.


I Don't Know How She Does It - Movie Poster

I Don't Know How She Does It

0.5 Courtney Slevison

A comedy centered on the life of Kate Reddy, a working mother trying desperately to juggle marriage, children, and a high-stress job.

This film aims to reflect on the trials of being a working mother in today's post-feminist society. What it does instead is present a hideously outdated view of the clichéd gender roles and insult the intelligence of anyone with two brain cells to rub together, especially working mothers themselves. This is a tedious, unfunny, and poorly made film. The dialogue is so cringe-worthy, and the overall tone so depressing, that it will leave you wondering not how they do it... but why.


Did You Hear About the Morgans? - Movie Poster

Did You Hear About the Morgans?

0.5 Wendy Slevison

An estranged couple who witness a murder relocate to a small-town as part of a protection program.

If you did hear about the Morgans, avoid them like the plague. Their movie is dreadful. There is not one redeeming feature. Not the story, not the scenery, and definitely not the two leads. Right from the start, they both seem to know they have made a terrible mistake. It only goes downhill from there. Zero chemistry, performances bordering on caricature and a truly terrible script make this movie an absolute and unqualified disaster. Please spread the word... have nothing to do with the Morgans.


Superhero Movie! - Movie Poster

Superhero Movie!

0.5 Anthony Macali

A send-up of superhero films, from Batman Begins to Fantastic Four.

Everybody involved in this project should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Anytime I think about the fact there was a script for this movie, it makes me want to bang my head against the wall. "Superhero Movie!" is terribly bad and not even remotely funny. The only thing that can be considered funny is that people are still actually paying to watch these insipid films. Don't watch this movie as they will only make more.


The Best of Me - Movie Poster

The Best of Me

0.5 Jan Di Pietro

A pair of former high school sweethearts reunite after many years when they return to visit their small hometown.

There have been fine romance-dramas of a similar ilk to this film, but this one falls far short of the mark. You will not learn anything, you will not feel anything; no, scratch that... you might actually love it if you keep a stack of cheap romance novels on your bedside table. The story is unbelievable in a bad way, and the key narrative events can be sniffed a mile off. Sure to polarise audiences, "The Best Of Me" is not the best of cinema.


Jack and Jill - Movie Poster

Jack and Jill

0.5 Wendy Slevison

Family guy Jack prepares for the annual event he dreads: the Thanksgiving visit of his twin sister.

This latest offering from a well-known comedian is assuredly the worst movie of his career, and quite possibly the worst movie ever. The thought that $79 million was spent making it is not only alarming, it's actually offensive. Celebrity cameos and an aging but highly talented co-star do nothing to save this mess - it has no humour and no heart. It appears that no skill at all was involved in its creation. This film is an abysmal failure and should be avoided at all costs. Jack and Jill tumble down, down, down...


Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore - Movie Poster

Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore

0.5 Wendy Slevison

The ongoing war between the canine and feline species is put on hold when they join forces to thwart a rogue cat spy with her own sinister plans for conquest.

This is a movie that just doesn't succeed... On the one hand it is aimed at children, full of cute cats and dogs who talk. On the other hand, many of the references, as well as the stylised appearance, are targeted at an adult audience. Uninspired and unfunny, the film just isn't clever enough to achieve its cross-generational target, and even the well-known cast of voice actors can't save it. Will the evil Kitty Galore be defeated? We can only hope so.


The Final Destination - Movie Poster

The Final Destination

1.0 Courtney Slevison

After a teen's premonition of a deadly race-car crash helps saves the lives of his peers, Death sets out to collect those who evaded their end.

Grisly, gory death now comes at us in 3D, yet nothing exciting or fresh is added to the genre. The plot is crazy, convoluted and makes little attempt to be original. This completely unnecessary addition to the franchise takes it to ridiculous new lows, such as death by car wash. Yes, really. Let's just hope they mean it when they say 'final'.


Devil - Movie Poster

Devil

1.0 Thomas Jones

A group of people trapped in an elevator realise that the devil is among them.

The best part of this film is the opening credits. Once they're over, it's a slippery slope. An elevator ride is never a comfortable experience, but in "Devil", it is made even worse. Not only because the elevator is haunted by the devil, but because of the bad acting, stupid script (there is a comparison made between the devil's work and jam toast) and the lack of any plot or character development. When it comes to this elevator ride, best take the stairs... out of the theatre.


Nine - Movie Poster

Nine

1.0 Wendy Slevison

Famous film director Guido Contini struggles both professionally and personally, as he engages in dramatic relationships with his wife, mistress, muse, agent, and (dead) mother.

This film, for all its pedigree, including an astonishing array of talent and a highly successful director, is a flop. A tedious and uninspiring melange of boring songs, superfluous characters, and very little narrative, it's a rare miscalculation in the career of the leading man, and a blot on the resumes of everyone else involved. Who convinced these people they could sing? Let 'nine' be the number of minutes it takes you to decide on which other movie you'll go and see instead of this debacle.


10,000 BC - Movie Poster

10,000 BC

1.0 Anthony Macali

A prehistoric epic that follows a young mammoth hunter's journey through uncharted territory to secure the future of his tribe.

I can only imagine how this film's pre-production went. "We can have a script or generate a woolly mammoth? We could cast decent actors or generate another woolly mammoth? Maybe consider throwing in some pre-historic authenticity, or just go with another one of those impressive woolly mammoths?". As empty as the desert, and unintelligent as the dialogue and cavemen that inhabit this film, "10000 BC" is one of the worst films in history.


The Dilemma - Movie Poster

The Dilemma

1.0 Anne Murphy

A man discovers that his best friend's wife is having an affair.

"The Dilemma" is a window into the phallocentric world of a couple of blokey blokes, and it might have been best to keep the blinds down. In a series of poorly edited improvisations, naif blockheads blunder around trying to bump into a joke. Serious themes are underdeveloped and presented with a whacky, zany tempo that leaves the effort uncomfortably mired in primitivism. It's disappointing given the plot opportunities to explore infidelity, depression, relationship, addictions, commitment and more. Insight or parody? No dilemma here mate, it's all ham.


Ghosts of Girlfriends Past - Movie Poster

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

1.0 Wendy Slevison

A bachelor is haunted by the ghosts of his past girlfriends at his younger brother's wedding.

Romantic comedy is a tricky genre. At the very least, an engaging and believable story is required for success, together with a convincing cast. This movie fails spectacularly on both these points, and is made worse by an unimaginative, hackneyed, and at times distasteful script. With insipid performances from all of the actors involved, in particular the one-dimensional male lead, there is just no redeeming this appalling waste of time and money. It really is as ghastly as the title suggests.


Dragonball Evolution - Movie Poster

Dragonball Evolution

1.0 Luke Bartter

The young warrior Son Goku sets out on a quest, racing against time and the vengeful King Piccolo.

This is a bland by-the-numbers adaptation that makes the extraordinary seem ordinary, and where viewers with even the lowest expectations will find disappointment. Poor acting, a predictable story, and weak special effects, it bears a closer resemblance to a compilation of amatuer clips rather than an actual movie. The mercifully brief running time is it's best trait, and all that is required for each of the caricatures to grind out each scene till the ridiculous ending. A harsh betrayal of the manga and anime that came before it, "Dragonball Evolution" is anything but.


Diary of a Wimpy Kid - Movie Poster

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

1.0 Thomas Jones

Live-action adaptation of Jeff Kinney's illustrated novel about a wise-cracking sixth grade student.

When everything else is working against Greg Heffley, the hero of this film, you'd expect the audience would still be on his side. Unfortunately, they're not. The constant adversity against Heffley leads nowhere and he never learns from his mistakes, which makes the whole diary narrative a bit monotonous. What lets this film down even more; it isn't funny. The 'pause for applause' moments are met with tumble weeds in the wind. This is one diary which should be kept under lock and key.


Transformers: Age of Extinction - Movie Poster

Transformers: Age of Extinction

1.0 Andrew O'Dea

A mechanic's family join the Autobots as they are targeted by a bounty hunter from another world.

"Transformers: Age of Extinction" is a loud, effects-driven assault on intelligence. The film manages to stupefy what is already a dumbed-down formula with a bombardment of plot points so nonsensical they cause the audience to mind-numbingly dismiss them. Shameless and overt product placement underpin a monstrous running time that ensures the chaos gets real boring, really fast; the entire experience feels like a long-winded race to smash and destroy things from one location to the next. Here's hoping this tepid instalment signals the extinction of the franchise.


Couples Retreat - Movie Poster

Couples Retreat

1.0 Wendy Slevison

Four couples settle into a tropical island resort for a vacation, and participate in the resort's therapy sessions.

This film is a confused jumble of lacklustre characters, puerile humour and vulgar sight gags. The people who should be participating in therapy sessions are the studio executives who gave it the green light. The setting is spectacular; everything else is awful, particularly the script and the acting, from a cast you'd expect more from. Please don't waste your hard-earned money to see this, or you may well need therapy too.


Skyline - Movie Poster

Skyline

1.0 Thomas Jones

Strange lights descend on the city of Los Angeles, drawing people outside like moths to a flame where an extraterrestrial force threatens to swallow the entire human population off the face of the Earth.

Skyline would have to be in the running for the worst film of the year. From the first scene, where one character mistakes blue UFO light seeping through her blinds for the morning sun, you get the sense that this film is going to insult your intelligence and rest assured, it doesn't disappoint. The acting is on par with the acting you'd expect from an 'adult' film and the special effects are daft. Skyline is money better saved.


Battleship - Movie Poster

Battleship

1.0 Wendy Slevison

A fleet of ships is forced to do battle with an armada of unknown origins in order to discover and thwart their destructive goals.

Adapted from the board game of the same name, "Battleship" is one hell of a movie. For some, it may actually feel as though you are in Hell. Laughably bad dialogue, ludicrously over-the-top CGI, apathetic acting and a volume level that could permanently damage ear drums all combine to make this film an unforgettable/unforgivable viewing experience. Massive suspension of disbelief required - the plot holes go all the way to the bottom of the ocean, along with the ship. It's a s(t)inker.


The Holiday - Movie Poster

The Holiday

1.0 Anthony Macali

Two women, both with men issues, go on holiday for two weeks by swapping. This can only lead to love.

A romantic comedy with characters you are entirely unsympathetic for. It wouldn't even classify as a comedy, as the over-the-top antics on display are not lovable, only annoying. It wouldn't even classify as a romance, as the contrivances that bring the leads together leave little work for them to impress each other. This movie is simply stupid and it hurt watching it.


The Devil Inside - Movie Poster

The Devil Inside

1.0 Wendy Slevison

In Italy, a woman becomes involved in a series of unauthorized exorcisms.

This movie follows the lead of others in its genre by using the found-footage, hand-held camera, mockumentary style of filming. The problem is we've see it all before. Despite strong attempts at realism, including using a highly talented contortionist for the possession scenes, and interviews with real specialists discussing exorcism to add credibility to the fact/fiction pitch, the film is disappointingly clichéd and time-worn. Worst of all, though, it's just not scary! And as for the ending, what the devil were they thinking?


G.I. Joe: Retaliation - Movie Poster

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

1.0 Andrew O'Dea

The G.I. Joes are not only fighting their mortal enemy Cobra; they are forced to contend with threats from within the government that jeopardise their very existence.

"G.I. Joe: Retaliation" is a high-octane, relentless onslaught of stupidity. The storyline is as moronic as the dialogue which will often illicit laugh-out-loud moments, but for entirely the wrong reasons. It honestly feels as if the filmmakers thought they would get away with decorating a pile of sewage with a bunch of bazookas, ninja stars and a nuclear warhead before releasing it as a 'movie'. This film is nothing more than an insult to both the intelligence and wallets of its audience... G.I. Joke.


A Little Bit of Heaven - Movie Poster

A Little Bit of Heaven

1.0 Thomas Jones

A guarded woman finds out she's dying of cancer, but when she meets her match, the threat of falling in love is scarier than death.

This film is the most superficial and farcical depiction of a woman battling cancer ever to grace our screens. It goes so far the wrong way (think puns about colon cancer) that anyone who has experienced or been affected by the disease is likely to be offended by the way the subject is treated. The acting is of a quality you'd expect from a high school drama class and the script is terrible; heaven is a white cloud. Hard to like, even a little bit.


Clash of the Titans - Movie Poster

Clash of the Titans

1.0 Anthony Macali

The mortal son of the god Zeus embarks on a perilous journey to stop the underworld and its minions from spreading their evil to Earth as well as the heavens.

"Clash of the Titans" is one of those big budget blockbusters bursting with special effects that attempt to distract the viewer from the mediocre story, clunky dialogue and wooden characters. Sure, there is great production value, but that doesn't atone for how atrociously boring this film is, or how the retrofitted 3D makes a mess of anyone possessing long hair - demigod and mortal alike. It may bring Gods to life, but will destroy the faith of anyone wishing to worship this horrendous beast.