Jack and JillWendy Slevison
Family guy Jack prepares for the annual event he dreads: the Thanksgiving visit of his twin sister.
This latest offering from a well-known comedian is assuredly the worst movie of his career, and quite possibly the worst movie ever. The thought that $79 million was spent making it is not only alarming, it's actually offensive. Celebrity cameos and an aging but highly talented co-star do nothing to save this mess - it has no humour and no heart. It appears that no skill at all was involved in its creation. This film is an abysmal failure and should be avoided at all costs. Jack and Jill tumble down, down, down...
Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty GaloreWendy Slevison
The ongoing war between the canine and feline species is put on hold when they join forces to thwart a rogue cat spy with her own sinister plans for conquest.
This is a movie that just doesn't succeed... On the one hand it is aimed at children, full of cute cats and dogs who talk. On the other hand, many of the references, as well as the stylised appearance, are targeted at an adult audience. Uninspired and unfunny, the film just isn't clever enough to achieve its cross-generational target, and even the well-known cast of voice actors can't save it. Will the evil Kitty Galore be defeated? We can only hope so.
Mother's DayAnne Murphy
A celebration of motherhood as Mother's Day approaches.
Mothers... don't let your children grow up to watch Mother's Day movies, make sure they have better things to do. If only the all-star ensemble had looked a bit embarrassed as they played out this offensive movie. Sadly they didn't, as they should have. This effort in attempting to explore family and diversity is too long, too crass, too icky and just plain awful. It is a wonder this film made it to a cinema near you, it didn't deserve to. Schlocking.
The Next Three DaysWendy Slevison
A married couple's life is turned upside down when the wife is accused of a murder.
"The Next Three Days" is an arrogant American remake of a first-rate French film. However, the elegance of the original is completely lost in translation. Absurd, implausible, boring and disconnected are words that come to mind to describe this pretentious mishmash. Actually, the leading man has about as much charisma as a lump of mash, and this is far from his best work. The leading lady is merely forgettable. As a couple… who cares? This supposed thriller feels as though it drags on for three days - please don't waste your time.
I Don't Know How She Does ItCourtney Slevison
A comedy centered on the life of Kate Reddy, a working mother trying desperately to juggle marriage, children, and a high-stress job.
This film aims to reflect on the trials of being a working mother in today's post-feminist society. What it does instead is present a hideously outdated view of the clichéd gender roles and insult the intelligence of anyone with two brain cells to rub together, especially working mothers themselves. This is a tedious, unfunny, and poorly made film. The dialogue is so cringe-worthy, and the overall tone so depressing, that it will leave you wondering not how they do it... but why.
The Best of MeJan Di Pietro
A pair of former high school sweethearts reunite after many years when they return to visit their small hometown.
There have been fine romance-dramas of a similar ilk to this film, but this one falls far short of the mark. You will not learn anything, you will not feel anything; no, scratch that... you might actually love it if you keep a stack of cheap romance novels on your bedside table. The story is unbelievable in a bad way, and the key narrative events can be sniffed a mile off. Sure to polarise audiences, "The Best Of Me" is not the best of cinema.
Did You Hear About the Morgans?Wendy Slevison
An estranged couple who witness a murder relocate to a small-town as part of a protection program.
If you did hear about the Morgans, avoid them like the plague. Their movie is dreadful. There is not one redeeming feature. Not the story, not the scenery, and definitely not the two leads. Right from the start, they both seem to know they have made a terrible mistake. It only goes downhill from there. Zero chemistry, performances bordering on caricature and a truly terrible script make this movie an absolute and unqualified disaster. Please spread the word... have nothing to do with the Morgans.
Superhero Movie!Anthony Macali
A send-up of superhero films, from Batman Begins to Fantastic Four.
Everybody involved in this project should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Anytime I think about the fact there was a script for this movie, it makes me want to bang my head against the wall. "Superhero Movie!" is terribly bad and not even remotely funny. The only thing that can be considered funny is that people are still actually paying to watch these insipid films. Don't watch this movie as they will only make more.
A vacationing couples' idyllic life is upset when they discover that everyone wants to kill them.
"Killers" fails spectacularly in every area. Apart from the beauty of Nice in the early scenes, there is very little to make this movie worth seeing. The two leads, with zero chemistry, awkwardly make their way through a shemozzle of a story that you will find yourself laughing at for all the wrong reasons. Uninspired direction does nothing to save this film from an appalling script and insincere performances. Mixing romantic comedy with violent action is a risky endeavor which simply doesn't work in this instance. Avoid, even if all you're doing is killing time.
A young man sets out to uncover the truth after finding his baby photo on a missing persons website.
This movie feels like nothing more than an extended show reel for the young male lead, dreamed up by studio execs to make an easy buck. The space around the teen heartthrob is filled with an established and highly-regarded supporting cast, who have nothing to work with in a film that has been clumsily put together without even attempting to be clever, entertaining or exciting; all things a good spy flick should be. Underwhelming and completely devoid of any originality or inspiration, "Abduction" is a waste of time.
Unfinished BusinessThomas Jones
A hard-working small business owner and his two associates travel to Europe to close the most important deal of their lives.
"Unfinished Business" is full of hot air. The suits, the briefcase full of papers, and the 'figures' they keep talking about are all part of a charade, for what is essentially a sketch comedy show full of dick, boob, and sex jokes. It's about as satisfying as bocconcini, which for those who are allergic to dairy, are little mouthfuls of nothing. The humour will appeal to the lowest common denominator, so if you have a brain maybe take your business elsewhere.
After a bad blind date, a man and woman find themselves stuck together at a resort for families, where their attraction grows as their respective kids benefit from the burgeoning relationship.
Towards the end of its running time, this movie goes all out to deliver on the feel-good front. Wait for it and you'll leave the cinema smiling. All of the vulgarities fade, and the sexism and racism the audience has endured gets airbrushed away with lovey-fuzzy-happy. Is it worth it? Unless you need a serotonin boost skip this movie, and go out to lunch, sans family. Blended? More like mashed.
How Do You KnowWendy Slevison
After being cut from the USA softball team, Lisa evaluates her life while in the middle of a love triangle, as a corporate guy in crisis competes with her current baseball-playing beau.
"How Do You Know" is a perfect example of how a fine movie is far more than the sum of its parts. The pedigree of the cast and director would have one believe that this could only be a sure thing, but unfortunately for all involved, it falls far short of being anything more than a waste of time and (lots of) money. It's excessively drawn-out and lacks warmth, chemistry and sincerity. So now you know - this film is to be shunned.
The HappeningLuke Bartter
When large amounts of people start inexplicably committing suicide in America, panic ensues.
The real disappointment about this movie stems from it's obvious lack of quality throughout. Other than a few intense scenes, it's dull and long-winded, so your curiosity runs out regardless of the unusual phenomenon. When you stop caring about the 'why' or even what happens to the characters, watching feels like a task. Tedious and lifeless, the most mysterious thing is how "The Happening" managed to get made into a feature film.
Little FockersAnne Murphy
Family-patriarch Jack Byrnes wants to appoint a successor.
The third installment of a movie franchise is unlikely to attract new viewers and seasoned fans of this series will know what they're in for. Be warned, "Meet the Fockers" fails to deliver to the standard of the earlier releases. This one is a fumbling montage of cheap gags delivered by actors you can only wish had something better to do - even the endless plays on the 'F' word are wearing thin. Cinema goers deserve better. It's time for audiences to ask, "What the Fock?".
Paranormal Activity: The Ghost DimensionStefan Sgarioto
Using a special camera that can see spirits, a family finds out that their daughter is the target of a demonic entity.
The tired and overused format of the Paranormal Activity franchise becomes apparent in its fifth and supposedly final outing, concluding not with a bang but with a fizzle. While it does try a few new tricks, 'The Ghost Dimensions' forgoes the "what you can’t see is scarier" tactic and elects to show you a lot more of the 'activity'. Unfortunately with this lacklustre effort, in addition to the extremely disappointing finale, much of the tension and suspense is lost. Ghastly one-dimensional.
Furry VengeanceWendy Slevison
In the Oregon wilderness, a real estate developer's new housing subdivision faces a unique group of protesters, local woodland creatures who don't want their homes disturbed.
Make no mistake. Everything your instincts tell you about this movie - the title, the actors involved, the plot, even the poster in the cinema - are worth listening to. All that, and the animals 'thoughts' appear as pictures in speech bubbles... Oh yes, it's that bad, an insultingly bad environmental message presented through fervently over-enthusiastic slapstick comedy. Please exact your own form of vengeance and stay away from this mind-numbing apology for entertainment.
Something BorrowedThomas Jones
Friendships are tested and secrets come to the surface when terminally single Rachel falls for Dex, her best friend Darcy's fiancé.
If any actor is quoted saying it was the 'great script', which attracted them to this film, they are lying. Sure the movie promotes itself as a romantic comedy, but it fails in both genres. Every time there are glimpses of comedy, the script turns it on its head and it all becomes really deep. You almost feel sorry for the actors who try their best to make lemonade out of lemons. "Something Borrowed" will borrow your time and never give it back.
Transformers: Age of ExtinctionAndrew O'Dea
A mechanic's family join the Autobots as they are targeted by a bounty hunter from another world.
"Transformers: Age of Extinction" is a loud, effects-driven assault on intelligence. The film manages to stupefy what is already a dumbed-down formula with a bombardment of plot points so nonsensical they cause the audience to mind-numbingly dismiss them. Shameless and overt product placement underpin a monstrous running time that ensures the chaos gets real boring, really fast; the entire experience feels like a long-winded race to smash and destroy things from one location to the next. Here's hoping this tepid instalment signals the extinction of the franchise.
The Final DestinationCourtney Slevison
After a teen's premonition of a deadly race-car crash helps saves the lives of his peers, Death sets out to collect those who evaded their end.
Grisly, gory death now comes at us in 3D, yet nothing exciting or fresh is added to the genre. The plot is crazy, convoluted and makes little attempt to be original. This completely unnecessary addition to the franchise takes it to ridiculous new lows, such as death by car wash. Yes, really. Let's just hope they mean it when they say 'final'.
A group of people trapped in an elevator realise that the devil is among them.
The best part of this film is the opening credits. Once they're over, it's a slippery slope. An elevator ride is never a comfortable experience, but in "Devil", it is made even worse. Not only because the elevator is haunted by the devil, but because of the bad acting, stupid script (there is a comparison made between the devil's work and jam toast) and the lack of any plot or character development. When it comes to this elevator ride, best take the stairs... out of the theatre.
Famous film director Guido Contini struggles both professionally and personally, as he engages in dramatic relationships with his wife, mistress, muse, agent, and (dead) mother.
This film, for all its pedigree, including an astonishing array of talent and a highly successful director, is a flop. A tedious and uninspiring melange of boring songs, superfluous characters, and very little narrative, it's a rare miscalculation in the career of the leading man, and a blot on the resumes of everyone else involved. Who convinced these people they could sing? Let 'nine' be the number of minutes it takes you to decide on which other movie you'll go and see instead of this debacle.
The DilemmaAnne Murphy
A man discovers that his best friend's wife is having an affair.
"The Dilemma" is a window into the phallocentric world of a couple of blokey blokes, and it might have been best to keep the blinds down. In a series of poorly edited improvisations, naif blockheads blunder around trying to bump into a joke. Serious themes are underdeveloped and presented with a whacky, zany tempo that leaves the effort uncomfortably mired in primitivism. It's disappointing given the plot opportunities to explore infidelity, depression, relationship, addictions, commitment and more. Insight or parody? No dilemma here mate, it's all ham.
Ghosts of Girlfriends PastWendy Slevison
A bachelor is haunted by the ghosts of his past girlfriends at his younger brother's wedding.
Romantic comedy is a tricky genre. At the very least, an engaging and believable story is required for success, together with a convincing cast. This movie fails spectacularly on both these points, and is made worse by an unimaginative, hackneyed, and at times distasteful script. With insipid performances from all of the actors involved, in particular the one-dimensional male lead, there is just no redeeming this appalling waste of time and money. It really is as ghastly as the title suggests.
10,000 BCAnthony Macali
A prehistoric epic that follows a young mammoth hunter's journey through uncharted territory to secure the future of his tribe.
I can only imagine how this film's pre-production went. "We can have a script or generate a woolly mammoth? We could cast decent actors or generate another woolly mammoth? Maybe consider throwing in some pre-historic authenticity, or just go with another one of those impressive woolly mammoths?". As empty as the desert, and unintelligent as the dialogue and cavemen that inhabit this film, "10000 BC" is one of the worst films in history.