Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore - Movie Poster

Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore

0.5 Wendy Slevison

The ongoing war between the canine and feline species is put on hold when they join forces to thwart a rogue cat spy with her own sinister plans for conquest.

This is a movie that just doesn't succeed... On the one hand it is aimed at children, full of cute cats and dogs who talk. On the other hand, many of the references, as well as the stylised appearance, are targeted at an adult audience. Uninspired and unfunny, the film just isn't clever enough to achieve its cross-generational target, and even the well-known cast of voice actors can't save it. Will the evil Kitty Galore be defeated? We can only hope so.


The Next Three Days - Movie Poster

The Next Three Days

0.5 Wendy Slevison

A married couple's life is turned upside down when the wife is accused of a murder.

"The Next Three Days" is an arrogant American remake of a first-rate French film. However, the elegance of the original is completely lost in translation. Absurd, implausible, boring and disconnected are words that come to mind to describe this pretentious mishmash. Actually, the leading man has about as much charisma as a lump of mash, and this is far from his best work. The leading lady is merely forgettable. As a couple… who cares? This supposed thriller feels as though it drags on for three days - please don't waste your time.


I Don't Know How She Does It - Movie Poster

I Don't Know How She Does It

0.5 Courtney Slevison

A comedy centered on the life of Kate Reddy, a working mother trying desperately to juggle marriage, children, and a high-stress job.

This film aims to reflect on the trials of being a working mother in today's post-feminist society. What it does instead is present a hideously outdated view of the clichéd gender roles and insult the intelligence of anyone with two brain cells to rub together, especially working mothers themselves. This is a tedious, unfunny, and poorly made film. The dialogue is so cringe-worthy, and the overall tone so depressing, that it will leave you wondering not how they do it... but why.


Did You Hear About the Morgans? - Movie Poster

Did You Hear About the Morgans?

0.5 Wendy Slevison

An estranged couple who witness a murder relocate to a small-town as part of a protection program.

If you did hear about the Morgans, avoid them like the plague. Their movie is dreadful. There is not one redeeming feature. Not the story, not the scenery, and definitely not the two leads. Right from the start, they both seem to know they have made a terrible mistake. It only goes downhill from there. Zero chemistry, performances bordering on caricature and a truly terrible script make this movie an absolute and unqualified disaster. Please spread the word... have nothing to do with the Morgans.


Jack and Jill - Movie Poster

Jack and Jill

0.5 Wendy Slevison

Family guy Jack prepares for the annual event he dreads: the Thanksgiving visit of his twin sister.

This latest offering from a well-known comedian is assuredly the worst movie of his career, and quite possibly the worst movie ever. The thought that $79 million was spent making it is not only alarming, it's actually offensive. Celebrity cameos and an aging but highly talented co-star do nothing to save this mess - it has no humour and no heart. It appears that no skill at all was involved in its creation. This film is an abysmal failure and should be avoided at all costs. Jack and Jill tumble down, down, down...


Superhero Movie! - Movie Poster

Superhero Movie!

0.5 Anthony Macali

A send-up of superhero films, from Batman Begins to Fantastic Four.

Everybody involved in this project should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Anytime I think about the fact there was a script for this movie, it makes me want to bang my head against the wall. "Superhero Movie!" is terribly bad and not even remotely funny. The only thing that can be considered funny is that people are still actually paying to watch these insipid films. Don't watch this movie as they will only make more.


The Devil Inside - Movie Poster

The Devil Inside

1.0 Wendy Slevison

In Italy, a woman becomes involved in a series of unauthorized exorcisms.

This movie follows the lead of others in its genre by using the found-footage, hand-held camera, mockumentary style of filming. The problem is we've see it all before. Despite strong attempts at realism, including using a highly talented contortionist for the possession scenes, and interviews with real specialists discussing exorcism to add credibility to the fact/fiction pitch, the film is disappointingly clichéd and time-worn. Worst of all, though, it's just not scary! And as for the ending, what the devil were they thinking?


Nine - Movie Poster

Nine

1.0 Wendy Slevison

Famous film director Guido Contini struggles both professionally and personally, as he engages in dramatic relationships with his wife, mistress, muse, agent, and (dead) mother.

This film, for all its pedigree, including an astonishing array of talent and a highly successful director, is a flop. A tedious and uninspiring melange of boring songs, superfluous characters, and very little narrative, it's a rare miscalculation in the career of the leading man, and a blot on the resumes of everyone else involved. Who convinced these people they could sing? Let 'nine' be the number of minutes it takes you to decide on which other movie you'll go and see instead of this debacle.


G.I. Joe: Retaliation - Movie Poster

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

1.0 Andrew O'Dea

The G.I. Joes are not only fighting their mortal enemy Cobra; they are forced to contend with threats from within the government that jeopardise their very existence.

"G.I. Joe: Retaliation" is a high-octane, relentless onslaught of stupidity. The storyline is as moronic as the dialogue which will often illicit laugh-out-loud moments, but for entirely the wrong reasons. It honestly feels as if the filmmakers thought they would get away with decorating a pile of sewage with a bunch of bazookas, ninja stars and a nuclear warhead before releasing it as a 'movie'. This film is nothing more than an insult to both the intelligence and wallets of its audience... G.I. Joke.


StreetDance 2 - Movie Poster

StreetDance 2

1.0 Wendy Slevison

After suffering humiliation by the crew Invincible, a street dancer looks to gather the best dancers from around the world for a rematch.

If the numbers in the title of this film cause a little uncertainty, listen to that feeling, and save your money. Actually, to call this a "film" is being quite generous - it's really just a succession of dance sequences. The dancing is very good, but that's it. The plodding, formulaic plot is like an afterthought, and the dancers are appalling actors anyway. Cheap, clumsy 3D effects do nothing to enhance what is essentially a rehash of all the other dance movies of recent times. Sit this one out.


Clash of the Titans - Movie Poster

Clash of the Titans

1.0 Anthony Macali

The mortal son of the god Zeus embarks on a perilous journey to stop the underworld and its minions from spreading their evil to Earth as well as the heavens.

"Clash of the Titans" is one of those big budget blockbusters bursting with special effects that attempt to distract the viewer from the mediocre story, clunky dialogue and wooden characters. Sure, there is great production value, but that doesn't atone for how atrociously boring this film is, or how the retrofitted 3D makes a mess of anyone possessing long hair - demigod and mortal alike. It may bring Gods to life, but will destroy the faith of anyone wishing to worship this horrendous beast.


How Do You Know - Movie Poster

How Do You Know

1.0 Wendy Slevison

After being cut from the USA softball team, Lisa evaluates her life while in the middle of a love triangle, as a corporate guy in crisis competes with her current baseball-playing beau.

"How Do You Know" is a perfect example of how a fine movie is far more than the sum of its parts. The pedigree of the cast and director would have one believe that this could only be a sure thing, but unfortunately for all involved, it falls far short of being anything more than a waste of time and (lots of) money. It's excessively drawn-out and lacks warmth, chemistry and sincerity. So now you know - this film is to be shunned.


The Happening - Movie Poster

The Happening

1.0 Luke Bartter

When large amounts of people start inexplicably committing suicide in America, panic ensues.

The real disappointment about this movie stems from it's obvious lack of quality throughout. Other than a few intense scenes, it's dull and long-winded, so your curiosity runs out regardless of the unusual phenomenon. When you stop caring about the 'why' or even what happens to the characters, watching feels like a task. Tedious and lifeless, the most mysterious thing is how "The Happening" managed to get made into a feature film.


Transformers: Age of Extinction - Movie Poster

Transformers: Age of Extinction

1.0 Andrew O'Dea

A mechanic's family join the Autobots as they are targeted by a bounty hunter from another world.

"Transformers: Age of Extinction" is a loud, effects-driven assault on intelligence. The film manages to stupefy what is already a dumbed-down formula with a bombardment of plot points so nonsensical they cause the audience to mind-numbingly dismiss them. Shameless and overt product placement underpin a monstrous running time that ensures the chaos gets real boring, really fast; the entire experience feels like a long-winded race to smash and destroy things from one location to the next. Here's hoping this tepid instalment signals the extinction of the franchise.


Battleship - Movie Poster

Battleship

1.0 Wendy Slevison

A fleet of ships is forced to do battle with an armada of unknown origins in order to discover and thwart their destructive goals.

Adapted from the board game of the same name, "Battleship" is one hell of a movie. For some, it may actually feel as though you are in Hell. Laughably bad dialogue, ludicrously over-the-top CGI, apathetic acting and a volume level that could permanently damage ear drums all combine to make this film an unforgettable/unforgivable viewing experience. Massive suspension of disbelief required - the plot holes go all the way to the bottom of the ocean, along with the ship. It's a s(t)inker.


The Holiday - Movie Poster

The Holiday

1.0 Anthony Macali

Two women, both with men issues, go on holiday for two weeks by swapping. This can only lead to love.

A romantic comedy with characters you are entirely unsympathetic for. It wouldn't even classify as a comedy, as the over-the-top antics on display are not lovable, only annoying. It wouldn't even classify as a romance, as the contrivances that bring the leads together leave little work for them to impress each other. This movie is simply stupid and it hurt watching it.


Blended - Movie Poster

Blended

1.0 Anne Murphy

After a bad blind date, a man and woman find themselves stuck together at a resort for families, where their attraction grows as their respective kids benefit from the burgeoning relationship.

Towards the end of its running time, this movie goes all out to deliver on the feel-good front. Wait for it and you'll leave the cinema smiling. All of the vulgarities fade, and the sexism and racism the audience has endured gets airbrushed away with lovey-fuzzy-happy. Is it worth it? Unless you need a serotonin boost skip this movie, and go out to lunch, sans family. Blended? More like mashed.


Abduction - Movie Poster

Abduction

1.0 Courtney Slevison

A young man sets out to uncover the truth after finding his baby photo on a missing persons website.

This movie feels like nothing more than an extended show reel for the young male lead, dreamed up by studio execs to make an easy buck. The space around the teen heartthrob is filled with an established and highly-regarded supporting cast, who have nothing to work with in a film that has been clumsily put together without even attempting to be clever, entertaining or exciting; all things a good spy flick should be. Underwhelming and completely devoid of any originality or inspiration, "Abduction" is a waste of time.


10,000 BC - Movie Poster

10,000 BC

1.0 Anthony Macali

A prehistoric epic that follows a young mammoth hunter's journey through uncharted territory to secure the future of his tribe.

I can only imagine how this film's pre-production went. "We can have a script or generate a woolly mammoth? We could cast decent actors or generate another woolly mammoth? Maybe consider throwing in some pre-historic authenticity, or just go with another one of those impressive woolly mammoths?". As empty as the desert, and unintelligent as the dialogue and cavemen that inhabit this film, "10000 BC" is one of the worst films in history.


Skyline - Movie Poster

Skyline

1.0 Tom Jones

Strange lights descend on the city of Los Angeles, drawing people outside like moths to a flame where an extraterrestrial force threatens to swallow the entire human population off the face of the Earth.

Skyline would have to be in the running for the worst film of the year. From the first scene, where one character mistakes blue UFO light seeping through her blinds for the morning sun, you get the sense that this film is going to insult your intelligence and rest assured, it doesn't disappoint. The acting is on par with the acting you'd expect from an 'adult' film and the special effects are daft. Skyline is money better saved.


Diary of a Wimpy Kid - Movie Poster

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

1.0 Tom Jones

Live-action adaptation of Jeff Kinney's illustrated novel about a wise-cracking sixth grade student.

When everything else is working against Greg Heffley, the hero of this film, you'd expect the audience would still be on his side. Unfortunately, they're not. The constant adversity against Heffley leads nowhere and he never learns from his mistakes, which makes the whole diary narrative a bit monotonous. What lets this film down even more; it isn't funny. The 'pause for applause' moments are met with tumble weeds in the wind. This is one diary which should be kept under lock and key.


The Big Wedding - Movie Poster

The Big Wedding

1.0 Anne Murphy

A long-divorced couple fakes being married as their family unites for a wedding.

Rather than celebrating marriage, "The Big Wedding" has a core of infidelity and it doesn't stop there. This movie offers many good reasons to avoid matrimony. The happy couple is happy enough but they fail to spark much interest; nor do their families made up of mostly crass characters. It's all a bit vulgar and unfunny but fortunately a little too lame to be really offensive. The most objectionable part is being lured into a cinema by the big name actors in this low brow feature. Big wedding but little entertainment.


A Little Bit of Heaven - Movie Poster

A Little Bit of Heaven

1.0 Tom Jones

A guarded woman finds out she's dying of cancer, but when she meets her match, the threat of falling in love is scarier than death.

This film is the most superficial and farcical depiction of a woman battling cancer ever to grace our screens. It goes so far the wrong way (think puns about colon cancer) that anyone who has experienced or been affected by the disease is likely to be offended by the way the subject is treated. The acting is of a quality you'd expect from a high school drama class and the script is terrible; heaven is a white cloud. Hard to like, even a little bit.


Dragonball Evolution - Movie Poster

Dragonball Evolution

1.0 Luke Bartter

The young warrior Son Goku sets out on a quest, racing against time and the vengeful King Piccolo.

This is a bland by-the-numbers adaptation that makes the extraordinary seem ordinary, and where viewers with even the lowest expectations will find disappointment. Poor acting, a predictable story, and weak special effects, it bears a closer resemblance to a compilation of amatuer clips rather than an actual movie. The mercifully brief running time is it's best trait, and all that is required for each of the caricatures to grind out each scene till the ridiculous ending. A harsh betrayal of the manga and anime that came before it, "Dragonball Evolution" is anything but.


The Dilemma - Movie Poster

The Dilemma

1.0 Anne Murphy

A man discovers that his best friend's wife is having an affair.

"The Dilemma" is a window into the phallocentric world of a couple of blokey blokes, and it might have been best to keep the blinds down. In a series of poorly edited improvisations, naif blockheads blunder around trying to bump into a joke. Serious themes are underdeveloped and presented with a whacky, zany tempo that leaves the effort uncomfortably mired in primitivism. It's disappointing given the plot opportunities to explore infidelity, depression, relationship, addictions, commitment and more. Insight or parody? No dilemma here mate, it's all ham.