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Zookeeper
Anne Murphy
A group of zoo animals decide to break their code of silence in order to help their lovable zoo keeper find love.
There are two incompatible angles in "Zookeeper": romance and talking animals. The largely unfunny romantic thread might appeal to adolescents, but it's unlikely to ignite much interest in a family-fun setting. The zoo animal antics could amuse young audiences if they talked about something other than how to attract a mate; conversations that probably won't resonate with kids. If only these beasts had decent script writers... what's said in the zoo should stay in the zoo.
The Time Traveller's Wife
Anne Murphy
A romantic drama about a Chicago librarian with a gene that causes him to involuntarily time travel, and the complications it creates for his marriage.
"The Time Traveller's Wife" has an imaginative storyline centred on an incredible romance that transcends time. Something must have gone wrong in production, as the telling of this tale is unforgivably banal. This movie is such a drag viewers will find themselves wishing for an ability to time travel beyond the credits to escape the tedium. With no on-screen chemistry it's hard to even care about the time traveller's wife's husband or his wife.
The Unborn
Courtney Slevison
A young woman fights the spirit that is slowly taking possession of her.
While this film succeeds in providing some moments of suspense and the odd fright, the shocks are cheap and the story is completely unoriginal. The director has relied on gory effects to scare the punters, instead of good old fashioned story-telling. When there are some true masterpieces in the horror genre, sloppy films like this just seem like a waste of time. See something else.
Push
Andrew O'Dea
Two young Americans with special abilities must race to find a girl in Hong Kong before a shadowy government organization called Division does.
"Push" is a forgettable addition to the 'superheroes' genre. The only superpower present here is the uncanny ability to teleport from one completely inane plot hole to another. The storyline is as boring as it is confusing, exacerbated by flimsy handheld camerawork and an unflattering visual style. Even the ostentatious action sequences end up looking like nothing more than sci-fi muddle. When push comes to shove, this film falls flat on its face.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Courtney Slevison
An elite military unit comprised of special operatives known as G.I. Joe, takes on an evil organization led by a notorious arms dealer.
In an already crowded genre, it takes a lot for a sci-fi action flick to stand out. It requires clever script-writing, restraint in the special effects department and quality acting. This film has none of those elements, and is therefore a forgettable, mediocre experience. The dialogue is so bad it's hard to sit through, and is punctuated every 10 minutes by an action sequence so over-produced it seems cartoon-ish. For die-hard actions fans only!
The Three Musketeers
Andrew O'Dea
The Musketeers unite to save the French throne and prevent Europe from being engulfed in war.
This take on "The Three Musketeers" is an unoriginal and pointless exercise that would have the original author of the classic rolling in his grave. A blatant attempt at a 'franchise cash-grab', this film has all the charisma and wit of a feathered plume. The special effects alone are dismally substandard, and as if it weren't enough, we're also exposed to 3D in its most exploitative form; a retro-fitted mess that adds nothing to the action except to serve as an annoying excuse to shoot cannonballs and point swords in our faces. All for one? One to miss.
Cop Out
Anthony Macali
A comedy about a veteran NYPD cop whose rare baseball card is stolen. Since it's his only hope to pay for his daughter's upcoming wedding, he recruits his partner to track down the thief.
"Cop Out" is a deliberate homage to the budding action-comedy films of the eighties, and does them a great injustice. There are some jokes, but they mainly consist of characters behaving badly to themes of terribly distorted music that insult the subject of its imitations. Admittedly, there is fun pondering over the motivations of the cast and if they realised they were a partner to such a flop. This film should be suspended without release.
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Courtney Slevison
Jack Sparrow and Barbossa embark on a quest to find the elusive fountain of youth.
This installment of the "Pirates" franchise is quite simply a waste of time. Despite a lengthy running time, nothing new or fresh is introduced, nor are existing relationships or characters developed. Everyone's favourite pirate, Jack Sparrow, becomes a parody of his former self as he delivers one cheesy one-liner after another. The film simply goes through the motions without anywhere near the excitement or enchantment of its predecessors. Unfortunately, the amazing set design and dazzling CGI effects are the only saving grace of this sinking ship.
Fighting
Andrew O'Dea
In New York City, a young counterfeiter is introduced to the world of street fighting.
"Fighting" is yet another 'underground' brawling pic that packs little punch. Don't be mislead by the title, as this movie plays more like an unconvincing character study interrupted by the odd fist-fight. Weighed down by a seriously sluggish plot, it drags on from scene to scene, evoking little feeling except making you want to throw in the towel. Brutal, bone-crunching fights are laughable, leaving the mumbling pretty-boy-lead with nothing but a few scratches on his chin. Pay the price for admission and you're in for one nasty sucker-punch.
Knowing
Anthony Macali
A teacher opens a time capsule that has been dug up at his son's elementary school; in it are some chilling predictions lead him to believe his family plays a role in the events that are about to unfold.
"Knowing" is a movie about numbers and creepy whispering guys who ghost around gifting children smooth black rocks and cute white rabbits. These are but small examples of its absurdity, and should only appeal to those sadistic few who enjoy seeing large groups of people killed in disastrous CGI mayhem (or the constant and expressionless face of the lead actor). Knowing this is what the future may hold, there is no excuse to watch this film.
Shrek the Third
Luke Bartter
When his new father-in-law, King Harold falls ill, Shrek is looked to as the heir of the land Far, Far Away.
The story is thin, but this is usually overcome by providing enough solid laughs. Lacking the emotional pull of the first film and the thrilling finale of the second, the third film just languishes in its ordinariness. Another problem is that despite introducing several new characters, the films few laughs come when Donkey and Puss in Boots are on screen, and when they're not present it just feels flat. "Shrek The Third" is strictly for the fans and is medi-ogre at best. Heh.
Land of the Lost
Andrew O'Dea
On his latest expedition, Dr. Rick Marshall is sucked into a space-time vortex alongside his research assistant and a redneck survivalist.
"Land of the Lost" is an abomination of a movie. Bad sets combine with bad acting to create a "comedy" with no excuse for the multitude of tasteless jokes devoid of even the slightest hint of wit. Every scene seems to be nothing more than yet another tireless opportunity to parade some gimmicky prop, as it consistently loses all sense of direction. The only thing to be found in this film is an overwhelming sense of relief when the end credits roll.
Passengers
Andrew O'Dea
A grief counselor working with a group of plane-crash survivors finds herself at the root of a mystery when her clients begin to disappear.
"Passengers" is a horrible drama that fails dismally in its feeble attempt to pose as a thriller. Everything about the movie is decidedly uneventful, accentuated by sluggish pacing and an unremarkable script. The gloomy camerawork throughout succeeds only in making the vapid plot seem monotonous; the only respite coming when it inevitably crashes and burns in a dissatisfying twist-ending. If you pay to go watch this film, you will have been taken for a ride.
Battle: Los Angeles
Anthony Macali
A recently discharged Staff Sergeant goes back into the line of duty in order to assist a 2nd Lieutenant and his platoon as they fight to reclaim the city of Los Angeles from alien invaders.
"Battle: Los Angeles" is good at a few things: making sure the plot is abundantly clear, and producing loud noises to accompany the greatest array of CGI army vehicles and artillery ever known to man. Only a few clicks into the running time, the mind numbs, and your time is invaded by boredom. The inordinate amounts of action will only provide service to pubescent teens seeking the same experience as their video games. Want more than pyrotechnics, and you're fighting a losing battle.
Tinker Bell and the Great Fairy Rescue
Anne Murphy
Tinker Bell must team up with a rival fairy to keep their existence a secret from humans.
"Tinker Bell and the Great Fairy Rescue" assumes the target audience is unsophisticated. The tale lacks depth and interest, and the same can be said of the simple animation. It's hard to forgive this production for being so unimaginative. Also disquieting is the subtle stereotyping, not excused by knowing that the audience may not notice. Males come off second best and it's noted that the overweight one is dopey to boot. Cute, unremarkable fare with a run-of-the-mill storyline, it's the audience not the fairies who will need rescuing.