Charlie St. Cloud - Movie Poster

Charlie St. Cloud

2.0 Thomas Jones

Charlie St. Cloud is a young man overcome by grief at the death of his younger brother. So much so that he takes a job as caretaker of the cemetery in which his brother is buried.

Under usual circumstances, if someone could see dead people, they'd be called crazy. But apparently, if that someone is incredibly good looking, it's endearing. For a film, which deals with heavy subject matter, it's rather underwhelming. Too much emphasis is placed on peripherals (what do geese have to do with anything?) and not enough on the tragedy and trauma, which comes with losing someone. When it comes to Charlie, best stick to the regular seven stages of mourning.


Transporter 3 - Movie Poster

Transporter 3

2.0 Anthony Macali

Frank Martin puts the driving gloves on to deliver Valentina, the kidnapped daughter of a Ukranian government official, from Marseilles to Odessa on the Black Sea.

Third time around, it's obviously hard to keep things fresh. "Transporter 3" pushes the boundaries in action and style, with absolutely preposterous results. If the story wasn't so grounded in reality, they could get away with such absurdity, but the expressionless one-dimensional characters and "fast-forward the action bits" film technique make it very frustrating to watch. This movie is a disappointing package that never delivers.


Killer Elite - Movie Poster

Killer Elite

2.0 Andrew O'Dea

When his mentor is taken captive, a retired member of Britain's Elite Special Air Service is forced into action. His mission: kill three assassins dispatched by their cunning leader.

Shot in a gritty visual style, "Killer Elite" simply lacks the flair to separate it from the rest of the paint-by-numbers action flicks. There are definitely pockets of impressive, adrenaline-fueled action sequences and stunts, yet as the plot unfolds and the body count rises, the audience will find themselves misguided by a storyline that is over-complicated. This isn't helped by the wooden leading man and a supporting cast who should've simply done better. All killer, no filler.


Street Kings - Movie Poster

Street Kings

2.0 Anthony Macali

Tom is a veteran cop who finds life difficult to navigate after the death of his wife. When evidence implicates him in the execution of a fellow officer, he is forced to go up against the cop culture.

"Street Kings" is a dull, clichéd and terrible episode of life on the streets of LA. You have the African-American brother, the Mexicano Esé, the Korean Triad and the hard-boiled cops who always look out for each other and play the tough guy. The whole setup is embarrassing, with very mediocre and laughable dialogue, as well as unthreatening criminals who always end up helping the police. Filmed in a style where excessive grittiness is king, this is actually bad.


Vampires Suck - Movie Poster

Vampires Suck

2.0 Anthony Macali

A spoof of vampire-themed movies, where teenager Becca finds herself torn between two boys.

"Vampires Suck" is far from cinematic, but does show what an easy target the re-imagined world of vampires is. From acting quirks to excessive angst, there are some surprising moments of insight and wit, while restoring the bloody horror absent from its subject matter in outrageous style. Such humour quickly turns to the dark-side, resorting to poor slapstick and pop culture references that are simply embarrassing and beyond farcical. Admittedly, both fans and non-believers of the saga will find delight in the film's jocularity. A ridiculous observation of the blatantly ridiculous.


2012 - Movie Poster

2012

2.0 Anthony Macali

An epic adventure about a global cataclysm that brings an end to the world.

For the most part, "2012" requires you to be strapped in as you are overwhelmed by loud noises and CGI carnage. But what little joy there is to savour in the crumbling of national monuments is quickly lost in the cracks of boredom. There are only so many times a plane can out-run impending destruction before a plot becomes anymore predictable, while we look at our watches and wonder why oh why is it taking so long for the world to end? Yet another disappointment from a director of disasters.


The Tale of Despereaux - Movie Poster

The Tale of Despereaux

2.0 Wendy Slevison

The tale of three unlikely heroes - a misfit mouse, an unhappy rat, and a bumbling servant girl with cauliflower ears - whose fates are intertwined with that of a castle's young princess.

This movie, while looking like a beautiful old edition of a German Fairytale, has a bewildered storyline and crudely realised characters. While the nobility are given elegant equine faces, the servant girl and her father look like cabbage patch dolls - clichés that are disappointing given the potential of the animation genre. This film has no warmth or heart, and is a lacklustre contribution to the holiday movie releases for children.


The Watch - Movie Poster

The Watch

2.0 Andrew O'Dea

Four men who form a neighbourhood watch group as a way to get out of their day-to-day family routines find themselves defending the Earth from an alien invasion.

This is a high-concept, low-brow comedy that simply doesn't work. Sure, the initial shock-value might elicit some laughs, but a lazily written script will ensure that variations of the same vulgar gags will become tiresome and stale. Even some genuinely funny moments from particular leads aren't enough to resurrect a story which is nothing more than an after-thought to a barrage of unoriginal toilet humour. Don't watch "The Watch".


Winter's Tale - Movie Poster

Winter's Tale

2.0 Anthony Macali

A burglar falls for an heiress as she dies in his arms. When he learns that he has the gift of reincarnation, he sets out to save her.

The greatest miracle in "Winter's Tale" is how the film was born in the first place. For the most part, it doesn't make any sense, and talk of true love and flying horses only complicates matters even more. The funny thing is (aside from the cringe-worthy dialogue) is that the audience may actually find themselves interested in seeing just what other foolishness they might come up with. It seems the only magic lies in making up rules along the way to suit the story. Destined to fail.


The Conjuring 2 - Movie Poster

The Conjuring 2

2.0 Anthony Macali

Ed and Lorraine Warren are summoned for desperate help to investigate a spirit in Enfield, England.

"The Conjuring 2" is a poor sequel that discredits the integrity of its far superior original with its lazy story-writing. Essentially the premise remains, moving its haunted house setting to North London, and then attempting to tie the plot-lines together to dismal effect. The scare tactics in this incarnation feel forced and repetitive, and a lack of empathy for the main characters further dispels interest. By the end, and with little vested in the investigation, you just don't care, which creates a disconnect that reveals the silliness of it all. Hoax? Scam.


Cop Out - Movie Poster

Cop Out

1.5 Anthony Macali

A comedy about a veteran NYPD cop whose rare baseball card is stolen. Since it's his only hope to pay for his daughter's upcoming wedding, he recruits his partner to track down the thief.

"Cop Out" is a deliberate homage to the budding action-comedy films of the eighties, and does them a great injustice. There are some jokes, but they mainly consist of characters behaving badly to themes of terribly distorted music that insult the subject of its imitations. Admittedly, there is fun pondering over the motivations of the cast and if they realised they were a partner to such a flop. This film should be suspended without release.


Land of the Lost - Movie Poster

Land of the Lost

1.5 Andrew O'Dea

On his latest expedition, Dr. Rick Marshall is sucked into a space-time vortex alongside his research assistant and a redneck survivalist.

"Land of the Lost" is an abomination of a movie. Bad sets combine with bad acting to create a "comedy" with no excuse for the multitude of tasteless jokes devoid of even the slightest hint of wit. Every scene seems to be nothing more than yet another tireless opportunity to parade some gimmicky prop, as it consistently loses all sense of direction. The only thing to be found in this film is an overwhelming sense of relief when the end credits roll.


Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides - Movie Poster

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

1.5 Courtney Slevison

Jack Sparrow and Barbossa embark on a quest to find the elusive fountain of youth.

This installment of the "Pirates" franchise is quite simply a waste of time. Despite a lengthy running time, nothing new or fresh is introduced, nor are existing relationships or characters developed. Everyone's favourite pirate, Jack Sparrow, becomes a parody of his former self as he delivers one cheesy one-liner after another. The film simply goes through the motions without anywhere near the excitement or enchantment of its predecessors. Unfortunately, the amazing set design and dazzling CGI effects are the only saving grace of this sinking ship.


Bride Wars - Movie Poster

Bride Wars

1.5 Wendy Slevison

Two best friends become rivals when they schedule their respective weddings on the same day.

If your idea of comedy is watching two intelligent and astute female characters descend into idiocy over their oh-so-precious weddings, then you may just enjoy this movie. To everyone else, I offer a warning - AVOID. "Bride Wars" is squirmingly bad clichéd drivel, which relies too heavily on uninspired sight gags for its laughs. There are far more worthy films for discerning moviegoers to spend their money on, and supporting this rubbish only encourages more of it.


The Judge - Movie Poster

The Judge

1.5 Jan Di Pietro

A big city lawyer returns home where his father, the town's judge, is suspected of murder.

"The Judge" provides genteel drama with textbook precision. It places the family unit and justice as the guiding institutions for society, suggesting that if Middle America's families are suffering, the world will come crumbling down. What we all need, apparently, is law to keep us "equal". There are funny, commendable performances, although they are stained by poor script and story, and it becomes frustrating to watch genuinely interesting characters held hostage to beige tasks. Raise your right hand… away from your wallet!


Scary Movie 5 - Movie Poster

Scary Movie 5

1.5 Andrew O'Dea

A couple begin to experience some unusual activity after bringing children home from the hospital.

The opening sequence of "Scary Movie 5" sets the tone, signifying the epitome of rock-bottom for the 'stars' at its centre. Just when the franchise couldn't possibly squelch any further into the depths of cinematic depravity, this latest offering insults us with a 'dumbed-down version of stupid stuff'. There's almost a sense of desperation as a series of painfully unfunny skits are force-fed to the audience in a feeble attempt at comedy. Juvenile and unfunny, the only scary thing about this movie is that they might make another one.


Zookeeper - Movie Poster

Zookeeper

1.5 Anne Murphy

A group of zoo animals decide to break their code of silence in order to help their lovable zoo keeper find love.

There are two incompatible angles in "Zookeeper": romance and talking animals. The largely unfunny romantic thread might appeal to adolescents, but it's unlikely to ignite much interest in a family-fun setting. The zoo animal antics could amuse young audiences if they talked about something other than how to attract a mate; conversations that probably won't resonate with kids. If only these beasts had decent script writers... what's said in the zoo should stay in the zoo.


Jack Reacher - Movie Poster

Jack Reacher

1.5 Andrew O'Dea

A homicide investigator delves into a case involving a trained sniper who shot five random victims.

"Jack Reacher" is an outlandish crime-drama hampered by a severe lack of originality and a false assuredness in its direction. Rather than maintaining an element of suspense, crucial twists and plot points are explained in painstaking detail, as the film builds to an anti-climax you wish arrived sooner. Along with gaping holes in the storyline that are just plain baffling, action sequences are boring and generic, and the dialogue clichéd to the point of being unintentionally laughable. Don't go reaching into your pocket for this cinematic mess.


The 5th Wave - Movie Poster

The 5th Wave

1.5 Anthony Macali

An alien force arrives on Earth and attempts to rid the planet of all the humans via its five phase plan.

The most confusing thing about "The 5th Wave" is trying to decipher what it's about... triumph of the human spirit and survival, or the hopelessness of humanity against greater natural forces? Ashamedly, could it even be a young girl caught in a dystopian love triangle between her pubescent crush and ambiguous saviour? Sadly the latter tends to steal the spotlight and is one of many disappointments in a rather lazy film consisting of shabby special effects and clunky dialogue. The umpteenth young adult end-of-the-world adaptation.


Battle: Los Angeles - Movie Poster

Battle: Los Angeles

1.5 Anthony Macali

A recently discharged Staff Sergeant goes back into the line of duty in order to assist a 2nd Lieutenant and his platoon as they fight to reclaim the city of Los Angeles from alien invaders.

"Battle: Los Angeles" is good at a few things: making sure the plot is abundantly clear, and producing loud noises to accompany the greatest array of CGI army vehicles and artillery ever known to man. Only a few clicks into the running time, the mind numbs, and your time is invaded by boredom. The inordinate amounts of action will only provide service to pubescent teens seeking the same experience as their video games. Want more than pyrotechnics, and you're fighting a losing battle.


Fantastic Four - Movie Poster

Fantastic Four

1.5 Stefan Sgarioto

After being transported to an alternative universe, four youngsters gain superpowers and soon become the superhero group known as the Fantastic Four.

This reboot's mediocre attempt to emulate the now commonplace dark and gritty style of modern superhero films is just only one example of how it has missed the mark. How can a film spend so long setting up the story, only to exhibit a complete lack of character development and narrative progression? This conundrum, culminating with average CGI, an ill-fitting tone and poor casting choices- makes for an easily forgettable viewing experience. Fantastic failure.


Knowing - Movie Poster

Knowing

1.5 Anthony Macali

A teacher opens a time capsule that has been dug up at his son's elementary school; in it are some chilling predictions lead him to believe his family plays a role in the events that are about to unfold.

"Knowing" is a movie about numbers and creepy whispering guys who ghost around gifting children smooth black rocks and cute white rabbits. These are but small examples of its absurdity, and should only appeal to those sadistic few who enjoy seeing large groups of people killed in disastrous CGI mayhem (or the constant and expressionless face of the lead actor). Knowing this is what the future may hold, there is no excuse to watch this film.


The Three Musketeers - Movie Poster

The Three Musketeers

1.5 Andrew O'Dea

The Musketeers unite to save the French throne and prevent Europe from being engulfed in war.

This take on "The Three Musketeers" is an unoriginal and pointless exercise that would have the original author of the classic rolling in his grave. A blatant attempt at a 'franchise cash-grab', this film has all the charisma and wit of a feathered plume. The special effects alone are dismally substandard, and as if it weren't enough, we're also exposed to 3D in its most exploitative form; a retro-fitted mess that adds nothing to the action except to serve as an annoying excuse to shoot cannonballs and point swords in our faces. All for one? One to miss.


Passengers - Movie Poster

Passengers

1.5 Andrew O'Dea

A grief counselor working with a group of plane-crash survivors finds herself at the root of a mystery when her clients begin to disappear.

"Passengers" is a horrible drama that fails dismally in its feeble attempt to pose as a thriller. Everything about the movie is decidedly uneventful, accentuated by sluggish pacing and an unremarkable script. The gloomy camerawork throughout succeeds only in making the vapid plot seem monotonous; the only respite coming when it inevitably crashes and burns in a dissatisfying twist-ending. If you pay to go watch this film, you will have been taken for a ride.


The Time Traveller's Wife - Movie Poster

The Time Traveller's Wife

1.5 Anne Murphy

A romantic drama about a Chicago librarian with a gene that causes him to involuntarily time travel, and the complications it creates for his marriage.

"The Time Traveller's Wife" has an imaginative storyline centred on an incredible romance that transcends time. Something must have gone wrong in production, as the telling of this tale is unforgivably banal. This movie is such a drag viewers will find themselves wishing for an ability to time travel beyond the credits to escape the tedium. With no on-screen chemistry it's hard to even care about the time traveller's wife's husband or his wife.