The Unborn - Movie Poster

The Unborn

1.5 Courtney Slevison

A young woman fights the spirit that is slowly taking possession of her.

While this film succeeds in providing some moments of suspense and the odd fright, the shocks are cheap and the story is completely unoriginal. The director has relied on gory effects to scare the punters, instead of good old fashioned story-telling. When there are some true masterpieces in the horror genre, sloppy films like this just seem like a waste of time. See something else.


Cop Out - Movie Poster

Cop Out

1.5 Anthony Macali

A comedy about a veteran NYPD cop whose rare baseball card is stolen. Since it's his only hope to pay for his daughter's upcoming wedding, he recruits his partner to track down the thief.

"Cop Out" is a deliberate homage to the budding action-comedy films of the eighties, and does them a great injustice. There are some jokes, but they mainly consist of characters behaving badly to themes of terribly distorted music that insult the subject of its imitations. Admittedly, there is fun pondering over the motivations of the cast and if they realised they were a partner to such a flop. This film should be suspended without release.


Land of the Lost - Movie Poster

Land of the Lost

1.5 Andrew O'Dea

On his latest expedition, Dr. Rick Marshall is sucked into a space-time vortex alongside his research assistant and a redneck survivalist.

"Land of the Lost" is an abomination of a movie. Bad sets combine with bad acting to create a "comedy" with no excuse for the multitude of tasteless jokes devoid of even the slightest hint of wit. Every scene seems to be nothing more than yet another tireless opportunity to parade some gimmicky prop, as it consistently loses all sense of direction. The only thing to be found in this film is an overwhelming sense of relief when the end credits roll.


In the Heart of the Sea - Movie Poster

In the Heart of the Sea

1.5 Anthony Macali

Inspired by Moby Dick, a ship is stranded at sea after its hunt for whale oil turns sour after a confrontation with a giant sperm whale.

Being stranded at sea is a terrible experience; hungry and trapped with no end in sight. It's an ordeal similar to watching this film, so make sure you bring popcorn to stave off the hunger. "In the Heart of the Sea" stinks, and no amount of computer-generated whales and their blow-holes were going to save this ship from sinking. The story is so boring and uninvolved that you just don't care; about any of the characters, or their fate. Stay clear of this storm. Disaster of the sea.


Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides - Movie Poster

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

1.5 Courtney Slevison

Jack Sparrow and Barbossa embark on a quest to find the elusive fountain of youth.

This installment of the "Pirates" franchise is quite simply a waste of time. Despite a lengthy running time, nothing new or fresh is introduced, nor are existing relationships or characters developed. Everyone's favourite pirate, Jack Sparrow, becomes a parody of his former self as he delivers one cheesy one-liner after another. The film simply goes through the motions without anywhere near the excitement or enchantment of its predecessors. Unfortunately, the amazing set design and dazzling CGI effects are the only saving grace of this sinking ship.


Bride Wars - Movie Poster

Bride Wars

1.5 Wendy Slevison

Two best friends become rivals when they schedule their respective weddings on the same day.

If your idea of comedy is watching two intelligent and astute female characters descend into idiocy over their oh-so-precious weddings, then you may just enjoy this movie. To everyone else, I offer a warning - AVOID. "Bride Wars" is squirmingly bad clichéd drivel, which relies too heavily on uninspired sight gags for its laughs. There are far more worthy films for discerning moviegoers to spend their money on, and supporting this rubbish only encourages more of it.


Zookeeper - Movie Poster

Zookeeper

1.5 Anne Murphy

A group of zoo animals decide to break their code of silence in order to help their lovable zoo keeper find love.

There are two incompatible angles in "Zookeeper": romance and talking animals. The largely unfunny romantic thread might appeal to adolescents, but it's unlikely to ignite much interest in a family-fun setting. The zoo animal antics could amuse young audiences if they talked about something other than how to attract a mate; conversations that probably won't resonate with kids. If only these beasts had decent script writers... what's said in the zoo should stay in the zoo.


Battle: Los Angeles - Movie Poster

Battle: Los Angeles

1.5 Anthony Macali

A recently discharged Staff Sergeant goes back into the line of duty in order to assist a 2nd Lieutenant and his platoon as they fight to reclaim the city of Los Angeles from alien invaders.

"Battle: Los Angeles" is good at a few things: making sure the plot is abundantly clear, and producing loud noises to accompany the greatest array of CGI army vehicles and artillery ever known to man. Only a few clicks into the running time, the mind numbs, and your time is invaded by boredom. The inordinate amounts of action will only provide service to pubescent teens seeking the same experience as their video games. Want more than pyrotechnics, and you're fighting a losing battle.


Knowing - Movie Poster

Knowing

1.5 Anthony Macali

A teacher opens a time capsule that has been dug up at his son's elementary school; in it are some chilling predictions lead him to believe his family plays a role in the events that are about to unfold.

"Knowing" is a movie about numbers and creepy whispering guys who ghost around gifting children smooth black rocks and cute white rabbits. These are but small examples of its absurdity, and should only appeal to those sadistic few who enjoy seeing large groups of people killed in disastrous CGI mayhem (or the constant and expressionless face of the lead actor). Knowing this is what the future may hold, there is no excuse to watch this film.


The Three Musketeers - Movie Poster

The Three Musketeers

1.5 Andrew O'Dea

The Musketeers unite to save the French throne and prevent Europe from being engulfed in war.

This take on "The Three Musketeers" is an unoriginal and pointless exercise that would have the original author of the classic rolling in his grave. A blatant attempt at a 'franchise cash-grab', this film has all the charisma and wit of a feathered plume. The special effects alone are dismally substandard, and as if it weren't enough, we're also exposed to 3D in its most exploitative form; a retro-fitted mess that adds nothing to the action except to serve as an annoying excuse to shoot cannonballs and point swords in our faces. All for one? One to miss.


The Judge - Movie Poster

The Judge

1.5 Jan Di Pietro

A big city lawyer returns home where his father, the town's judge, is suspected of murder.

"The Judge" provides genteel drama with textbook precision. It places the family unit and justice as the guiding institutions for society, suggesting that if Middle America's families are suffering, the world will come crumbling down. What we all need, apparently, is law to keep us "equal". There are funny, commendable performances, although they are stained by poor script and story, and it becomes frustrating to watch genuinely interesting characters held hostage to beige tasks. Raise your right hand… away from your wallet!


Scary Movie 5 - Movie Poster

Scary Movie 5

1.5 Andrew O'Dea

A couple begin to experience some unusual activity after bringing children home from the hospital.

The opening sequence of "Scary Movie 5" sets the tone, signifying the epitome of rock-bottom for the 'stars' at its centre. Just when the franchise couldn't possibly squelch any further into the depths of cinematic depravity, this latest offering insults us with a 'dumbed-down version of stupid stuff'. There's almost a sense of desperation as a series of painfully unfunny skits are force-fed to the audience in a feeble attempt at comedy. Juvenile and unfunny, the only scary thing about this movie is that they might make another one.


The Time Traveller's Wife - Movie Poster

The Time Traveller's Wife

1.5 Anne Murphy

A romantic drama about a Chicago librarian with a gene that causes him to involuntarily time travel, and the complications it creates for his marriage.

"The Time Traveller's Wife" has an imaginative storyline centred on an incredible romance that transcends time. Something must have gone wrong in production, as the telling of this tale is unforgivably banal. This movie is such a drag viewers will find themselves wishing for an ability to time travel beyond the credits to escape the tedium. With no on-screen chemistry it's hard to even care about the time traveller's wife's husband or his wife.


Fighting - Movie Poster

Fighting

1.5 Andrew O'Dea

In New York City, a young counterfeiter is introduced to the world of street fighting.

"Fighting" is yet another 'underground' brawling pic that packs little punch. Don't be mislead by the title, as this movie plays more like an unconvincing character study interrupted by the odd fist-fight. Weighed down by a seriously sluggish plot, it drags on from scene to scene, evoking little feeling except making you want to throw in the towel. Brutal, bone-crunching fights are laughable, leaving the mumbling pretty-boy-lead with nothing but a few scratches on his chin. Pay the price for admission and you're in for one nasty sucker-punch.


Jack Reacher - Movie Poster

Jack Reacher

1.5 Andrew O'Dea

A homicide investigator delves into a case involving a trained sniper who shot five random victims.

"Jack Reacher" is an outlandish crime-drama hampered by a severe lack of originality and a false assuredness in its direction. Rather than maintaining an element of suspense, crucial twists and plot points are explained in painstaking detail, as the film builds to an anti-climax you wish arrived sooner. Along with gaping holes in the storyline that are just plain baffling, action sequences are boring and generic, and the dialogue clichéd to the point of being unintentionally laughable. Don't go reaching into your pocket for this cinematic mess.


The 5th Wave - Movie Poster

The 5th Wave

1.5 Anthony Macali

An alien force arrives on Earth and attempts to rid the planet of all the humans via its five phase plan.

The most confusing thing about "The 5th Wave" is trying to decipher what it's about... triumph of the human spirit and survival, or the hopelessness of humanity against greater natural forces? Ashamedly, could it even be a young girl caught in a dystopian love triangle between her pubescent crush and ambiguous saviour? Sadly the latter tends to steal the spotlight and is one of many disappointments in a rather lazy film consisting of shabby special effects and clunky dialogue. The umpteenth young adult end-of-the-world adaptation.


Passengers - Movie Poster

Passengers

1.5 Andrew O'Dea

A grief counselor working with a group of plane-crash survivors finds herself at the root of a mystery when her clients begin to disappear.

"Passengers" is a horrible drama that fails dismally in its feeble attempt to pose as a thriller. Everything about the movie is decidedly uneventful, accentuated by sluggish pacing and an unremarkable script. The gloomy camerawork throughout succeeds only in making the vapid plot seem monotonous; the only respite coming when it inevitably crashes and burns in a dissatisfying twist-ending. If you pay to go watch this film, you will have been taken for a ride.


Fantastic Four - Movie Poster

Fantastic Four

1.5 Stefan Sgarioto

After being transported to an alternative universe, four youngsters gain superpowers and soon become the superhero group known as the Fantastic Four.

This reboot's mediocre attempt to emulate the now commonplace dark and gritty style of modern superhero films is just only one example of how it has missed the mark. How can a film spend so long setting up the story, only to exhibit a complete lack of character development and narrative progression? This conundrum, culminating with average CGI, an ill-fitting tone and poor casting choices- makes for an easily forgettable viewing experience. Fantastic failure.


Abduction - Movie Poster

Abduction

1.0 Courtney Slevison

A young man sets out to uncover the truth after finding his baby photo on a missing persons website.

This movie feels like nothing more than an extended show reel for the young male lead, dreamed up by studio execs to make an easy buck. The space around the teen heartthrob is filled with an established and highly-regarded supporting cast, who have nothing to work with in a film that has been clumsily put together without even attempting to be clever, entertaining or exciting; all things a good spy flick should be. Underwhelming and completely devoid of any originality or inspiration, "Abduction" is a waste of time.


Killers - Movie Poster

Killers

1.0 Wendy Slevison

A vacationing couples' idyllic life is upset when they discover that everyone wants to kill them.

"Killers" fails spectacularly in every area. Apart from the beauty of Nice in the early scenes, there is very little to make this movie worth seeing. The two leads, with zero chemistry, awkwardly make their way through a shemozzle of a story that you will find yourself laughing at for all the wrong reasons. Uninspired direction does nothing to save this film from an appalling script and insincere performances. Mixing romantic comedy with violent action is a risky endeavor which simply doesn't work in this instance. Avoid, even if all you're doing is killing time.


G.I. Joe: Retaliation - Movie Poster

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

1.0 Andrew O'Dea

The G.I. Joes are not only fighting their mortal enemy Cobra; they are forced to contend with threats from within the government that jeopardise their very existence.

"G.I. Joe: Retaliation" is a high-octane, relentless onslaught of stupidity. The storyline is as moronic as the dialogue which will often illicit laugh-out-loud moments, but for entirely the wrong reasons. It honestly feels as if the filmmakers thought they would get away with decorating a pile of sewage with a bunch of bazookas, ninja stars and a nuclear warhead before releasing it as a 'movie'. This film is nothing more than an insult to both the intelligence and wallets of its audience... G.I. Joke.


The Happening - Movie Poster

The Happening

1.0 Luke Bartter

When large amounts of people start inexplicably committing suicide in America, panic ensues.

The real disappointment about this movie stems from it's obvious lack of quality throughout. Other than a few intense scenes, it's dull and long-winded, so your curiosity runs out regardless of the unusual phenomenon. When you stop caring about the 'why' or even what happens to the characters, watching feels like a task. Tedious and lifeless, the most mysterious thing is how "The Happening" managed to get made into a feature film.


How Do You Know - Movie Poster

How Do You Know

1.0 Wendy Slevison

After being cut from the USA softball team, Lisa evaluates her life while in the middle of a love triangle, as a corporate guy in crisis competes with her current baseball-playing beau.

"How Do You Know" is a perfect example of how a fine movie is far more than the sum of its parts. The pedigree of the cast and director would have one believe that this could only be a sure thing, but unfortunately for all involved, it falls far short of being anything more than a waste of time and (lots of) money. It's excessively drawn-out and lacks warmth, chemistry and sincerity. So now you know - this film is to be shunned.


Little Fockers - Movie Poster

Little Fockers

1.0 Anne Murphy

Family-patriarch Jack Byrnes wants to appoint a successor.

The third installment of a movie franchise is unlikely to attract new viewers and seasoned fans of this series will know what they're in for. Be warned, "Meet the Fockers" fails to deliver to the standard of the earlier releases. This one is a fumbling montage of cheap gags delivered by actors you can only wish had something better to do - even the endless plays on the 'F' word are wearing thin. Cinema goers deserve better. It's time for audiences to ask, "What the Fock?".


Exodus: Gods and Kings - Movie Poster

Exodus: Gods and Kings

1.0 Jan Di Pietro

The defiant leader Moses rises up against the Egyptian Pharaoh Ramses, setting 600,000 slaves on a monumental journey of escape from Egypt and its terrifying cycle of deadly plagues.

Moses... know him, right? Too bad if you don't! It's his story, although instead of a story, "Exodus: Gods and Kings" presents itself like a literal recounting of events. Like Moses' walk in the desert, this film is long, arduous, and is likely to cause hunger and thirst. It's always strange to watch historical figures behaving like modern folk. Ancient Egypt is recreated with astounding visuals... about all it's worth. Might be fun for "believers", but the movie gods have abandoned the rest of us.