The Incredible Burt Wonderstone - Movie Poster

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

2.0 Anthony Macali

When a street magician's stunts begins to make their show look stale, superstar magicians Burt Wonderstone and Anton Marvelton look to salvage on their act.

The world of magic is an easy target, which makes it even more astonishing how much of a failure "The Incredible Burt Wonderstone" is. Not long after the first act, the tired comedic routine becomes repetitive and predictable. Viewers beware; don't be fooled by the illustrious cast, who might try hard, but are not funny, performing with little class and no laughs. As a member of the audience, you'll wish you could disappear.


Fright Night - Movie Poster

Fright Night

2.0 Courtney Slevison

A teenager suspects that his new neighbour is a vampire.

The 'teenage vampire flick' has become a cinema epidemic, and "Fright Night" wastes no time in slotting itself right into the sexy/comedy/horror genre. Neither funny nor scary enough to hold its own, this latest addition feels like a clumsy mash-up of movies we have all seen before and is therefore predictable, soulless and unengaging. For some, it may be an enjoyable enough way to spend a couple of hours, but ultimately this one is frightfully forgettable.


The Box - Movie Poster

The Box

2.0 Anthony Macali

A small wooden box arrives on the doorstep of a married couple, who know that opening it will grant them a million dollars and kill someone they don't know.

Based on a short-story, this creepy film doesn't live up to its promising premise. A lot of weird stuff happens - blood noses, gateways, lightening and other unintentionally funny moments of suspense. The score is atmospheric, performances solid, but intriguing questions of morality are lost in the frustratingly ponderous revelations. The lesson here is to stay at home in your box, perhaps watch the box, and avoid the confusion that is "The Box".


Total Recall - Movie Poster

Total Recall

2.0 Andrew O'Dea

A factory worker begins to suspect that he is a spy after having fake memories planted in his head.

"Total Recall" is an unimaginative, humourless insult to the original sci-fi classic it is based upon. A convoluted script that takes itself way too seriously is only compounded by a host of cheesy one-liners delivered by actors that have neither the charm nor charisma to pull them off. The CGI is excessive and poorly executed, although certain fanboys might be pleased by the 'extra titillation' on offer. The entire movie feels like one continuous chase scene, propelled by a storyline that is nothing more than lame political allegory. If only it was possible not to recall this disaster.


Street Kings - Movie Poster

Street Kings

2.0 Anthony Macali

Tom is a veteran cop who finds life difficult to navigate after the death of his wife. When evidence implicates him in the execution of a fellow officer, he is forced to go up against the cop culture.

"Street Kings" is a dull, clichéd and terrible episode of life on the streets of LA. You have the African-American brother, the Mexicano Esé, the Korean Triad and the hard-boiled cops who always look out for each other and play the tough guy. The whole setup is embarrassing, with very mediocre and laughable dialogue, as well as unthreatening criminals who always end up helping the police. Filmed in a style where excessive grittiness is king, this is actually bad.


Marley & Me - Movie Poster

Marley & Me

2.0 Wendy Slevison

A family learns important life lessons from their adorable, but naughty and neurotic dog.

"Marley and Me" positions itself as a romantic comedy but unfortunately it fails to deliver. With no chemistry between its lead actors, the characters and plot are difficult to engage with, and you find yourself not really caring about the human stars. It's the 22 adorable Labradors who share the role of Marley that are the best part of this movie, and the only laughs come from the innumerable scenes of chewing and destruction. For dog-lovers with lots of patience only.


Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time - Movie Poster

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

2.0 Anthony Macali

Based on the video game, which follows an adventurous prince who teams up with a rival princess to stop an angry ruler from unleashing a sandstorm that could destroy the world.

"Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time" is another disappointing game adaptation with an underwhelming story and clunky CGI. The action is good but the editing is brash, and its over-reliance on special effects is a curse, despite the brief moments it's actually of valuable consequence. Naturally there are nods to its origins, but they didn't need to bring back the two-dimensional characters. The hourglass just doesn't run out quick enough on this one.


Jumper - Movie Poster

Jumper

2.0 Anthony Macali

A genetic anomaly allows a young man to teleport himself anywhere. He discovers this gift has existed for centuries and finds himself in a war that has been raging for thousands of years.

Our young hero entertains when exploiting his gift to rob banks and travel the world. It's unacceptable to spend the entire film showcasing how cool this teleporting is. Whenever our protagonist meets the other characters of the story, the interactions are simply woeful. This film constantly jumps scene to scene skipping any traces of plot or action and leaving a scar of disappointment no person should go through.


The Expendables - Movie Poster

The Expendables

2.0 Stefan Bugryn

A team of mercenaries head to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator.

"The Expendables" is a testosterone fuelled man-movie that packs a record amount of masculinity into an extremely unoriginal script. The premise is simple, and has been done over a million times in one way or another. The characters are like big plastic action figures with no depth behind barrels of sweaty muscle, and their swift delivery of bullets and pain is matched only by their cheesy one liners and laughable acting. If mindless action and explosions is your thing, drop everything and see this movie. Otherwise, expend your time elsewhere.


The Green Hornet - Movie Poster

The Green Hornet

2.0 Anthony Macali

Following the death of his father, Britt Reid, heir to his father's large company, teams up with his late dad's assistant Kato to become a masked crime fighting team.

"The Green Hornet" tries to be cool, tries to be awesome... and fails dismally on both accounts. Our hero duo are completely uninspiring, and the film's meager amount of laughs are drawn from nothing but their bitterful banter and marvellings at high-tech creations with self-indulged clamour. The action scenes do their job, and there is an interesting sub-plot of media politics, but it arrives far too late in the piece for salvation. It sting's, it hurts, and has been done much better before.


Rush Hour 3 - Movie Poster

Rush Hour 3

2.0 Anthony Macali

After an attempted assassination on Ambassador Han, Lee and Carter head to Paris to protect a French woman with knowledge of the Triads' secret leaders.

"Rush Hour 3" is a comedy riddled with contrivances. Before the franchise can sink any lower, our first genuine laugh arrives in the sewer. It's the last laugh to come till the finalé, in which an over-computer-generated sequence of fights and thrills on the Eiffel Tower are less than spectacular. You will find the outtakes the most enjoyable part, and they're not even in the movie! Don't rush to see this one.


Inkheart - Movie Poster

Inkheart

2.0 Andrew O'Dea

A young girl discovers her father has an amazing talent to bring characters out of their books and must try to stop a freed villain from destroying them all, with the help of her father and a storybook's hero.

"Inkheart" simply lacks the creativity to be anything but another tired endeavor at a 'book-to-big screen' adaptation. The result is an unconvincing and gimmicky film, full of clichés and characters severely devoid of any depth. It fails miserably in its attempted (and not so subtlety implied) homage to the great stories of history, as it tediously waddles from scene to scene with all the imagination of an inkblot. Stay home and read a book instead.


Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son - Movie Poster

Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son

2.0 Wendy Slevison

FBI agent Malcolm Turner and his stepson Trent go undercover at an all-girls performing arts school after Trent witnesses a murder.

This is not the kind of movie you go to see hoping for an original and engaging comedy. The premise is an oldie, but not necessarily a goodie - a ludicrous tale where it becomes imperative for a couple of hitherto "normal" men to dress as overweight, gaudily styled women in order to avoid detection by the so-called bad guys. There are a few laughs in this completely over the top shambles, but not the kind that make you feel good inside. Please Big Momma... no more... moviegoers deserve better.


The Last Airbender - Movie Poster

The Last Airbender

2.0 Andrew O'Dea

The story follows the adventures of Aang, a young successor to a long line of Avatars, who must put his childhood ways aside and stop the Fire Nation from enslaving the Water, Earth and Air nations.

"The Last Airbender" is capable in that its 3D medium manages to enhance rather than to 'point' out its special effects are fairly impressive. Unfortunately, the positives stop there, as the relative success of its visuals simply don't correlate to a script which fails dismally in its translation to the big screen. The film's myriad of problems are only burdened further by stilted dialogue and a truly lacklustre finale that disparagingly promises this won't be the last we see of 'airbending' any time soon.


What to Expect When You're Expecting - Movie Poster

What to Expect When You're Expecting

2.0 Wendy Slevison

A look at love through the eyes of five couples experiencing the thrills and surprises of having a baby.

If you're the type of person who has always found pregnancy funny, then this may just be the film for you! Based on the best-selling 1980's advice book of the same name, this muddled mess struggles to connect with its audience. Too many storylines, too little character development and way too many clichéd jokes make the best thing about this movie the incredibly lifelike, prosthetic pregnant bellies. If this is your thing, great. Otherwise, don't expect much.


Trouble with the Curve - Movie Poster

Trouble with the Curve

2.0 Anthony Macali

An ailing baseball scout in his twilight years takes his daughter along for one last recruiting trip.

Don't expect too much baseball in "Trouble with the Curve". Instead, this offering plays more like one of those 'father-daughter relationship' movies. The father, grumpy and old, is stuck in his ways, spending most of his time grumbling and moaning while watching the game he loves. His daughter, a lawyer, is busy, career driven and resentful. The performances are heartfelt, but sadly the film is a little dull, and ties all the loose ends ever so neatly. No curve balls here, this story is predictable as can be... better picks out there.


The Last Song - Movie Poster

The Last Song

2.0 Wendy Slevison

A rebellious girl is sent to a Southern beach town for the summer to stay with her father.

"The Last Song" was specifically created as a vehicle for its female lead to make the shift to more adult dramatic roles, but regrettably it won't help her career as much as she may have hoped. The movie is everything you'd expect – a cheesy, schmaltzy tear-jerker. While the young stars do their best to provide some sense of authenticity to their roles, the overwrought, overloaded and implausible plot make it very hard work for cast and viewer alike. It almost certainly won't be the amiable young star's last song, but sadly isn't her best.


Labor Day - Movie Poster

Labor Day

2.0 Anne Murphy

Depressed single mom Adele and her son Henry offer a wounded, fearsome man a ride.

Five days can pass with a blink in screen time, but in this two hour effort the "Labor Day" weekend seems interminable, and staying engaged takes a bit of effort. This low-action romance might leave you snickering as the credits roll, such is the implausibility, and it's difficult to believe it's supposed to be taken seriously. Fortunately the actors keep the film together with fine performances, yet as hard as they work, their efforts are insufficient to weigh credibility to the story. Even if you're ready for the weekend, just keep Friday on your mind.


Chronicle - Movie Poster

Chronicle

2.0 Stefan Bugryn

Three high school friends gain superpowers after making an incredible discovery.

All the audience needs to know is this movie is nowhere near as cool as it sounds. "Chronicle" might have its moments, like a seriously awesome action scene towards the end, but as for the rest, it simply falls short of being anything really unique. Instead, it will be left to your imagination to fill in the gaps of what it could've been. Sometimes the film is just plain awkward to watch, thanks in no large part to the B-grade scripting, dialogue, special effects, acting... pretty much all of it. Chronicle this one as 'fail'.


Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant - Movie Poster

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant

2.0 Courtney Slevison

A teenage boy unknowingly breaks a 200-year-old truce between two warring factions of vampires.

This film has all the right ingredients but never quite lives up to its initial promise. There is great potential in the colourful and quirky characters, but due to a slow and drawn-out plot, they never really get fleshed out. Lying somewhere between comedy and pre-teen horror, there just aren't enough laughs or scares to succeed in either genre. As the title clearly suggests, this film is designed to be the first of a franchise, but for a film about vampires and circus freaks, it just doesn't have enough bite to keep you hooked.


Observe and Report - Movie Poster

Observe and Report

2.0 Anthony Macali

Bi-polar mall security guard Ronnie Barnhardt is called into action to stop a flasher from turning shopper's paradise into his personal peep show.

"Observe and Report" is a terribly misjudged comedy. Ronnie, our 'hero', is a guy you don't like, don't care about, and don't find funny. It's a simple formula for failure, made worse by poor behaviour and excessive swearing, cheap tools for laughter. Some scenes are so misconceived, they border on surrealism. It's a disappointing effort from a cast who should know better. Protect yourself and don't watch this.


What's Your Number - Movie Poster

What's Your Number

2.0 Anthony Macali

A woman looks back at the past twenty men she's had relationships with in her life and wonders if one of them might be her one true love.

In a story about finding 'the one', "What's Your Number" is concerned about the number of partners you have slept with. The city setting is beautifully shot, and a vast contrast to the crude nature of much of the discussion. The romantic duo at is generally likeable, always walking and eating and conveniently wearing very little. Sadly, their plight is not one you can sympathise with, extending far beyond our span of attention. My number? 2 stars...


Grace of Monaco - Movie Poster

Grace of Monaco

2.0 Anne Murphy

The story Grace Kelly's crisis of marriage and identity, during a political dispute between Monaco and France, and a looming invasion of Monaco.

We're informed that this is a fictitious account of real events and it's impossible to discern what's real and what's not. It's an intriguing story that might have worked better as complete fiction. The princess is acted with beauty and grace, pardon the pun, but there are an annoying number of full screen close-ups of her countenance. If the camera is looking for warts shouldn't it focus on a frog or the prince? Airy-fairytale.


Side Effects - Movie Poster

Side Effects

2.0 Anne Murphy

A woman's world unravels when a drug prescribed by her psychiatrist has unexpected side effects.

Much like its characters, "Side Effects" is never in touch with reality, not that realism, per se, is necessary for a good movie. The misrepresentation of mental health problems and treatment is a little unforgivable though; an already marginalised population may be further stigmatised, and that's not entertainment. There are lots of twists and turns that build intrigue but somehow the story manages to become more preposterous with each plot revelation, and the suspension of disbelief is necessary for viewing enjoyment. Pharma meets psychodrama.


Conan the Barbarian - Movie Poster

Conan the Barbarian

2.0 Andrew O'Dea

The tale of Conan the Cimmerian and his adventures across the continent of Hyboria on a quest to avenge the murder of his father and the slaughter of his village.

"Conan the Barbarian" is a spectacle without substance. Produced on a large scale, the set design and fight sequences are initially impressive, replete with gruesome, blood-spattering violence. Most disappointing though, is that ultimately the film becomes repetitive and tiresome. Amplified by the lack of any characterisation at all, the audience soon discovers there's no backbone to the bone-crushing... and the most barbaric thing is the fact you have to pay the cost of admission.