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Did You Hear About the Morgans?
Wendy Slevison
An estranged couple who witness a murder relocate to a small-town as part of a protection program.
If you did hear about the Morgans, avoid them like the plague. Their movie is dreadful. There is not one redeeming feature. Not the story, not the scenery, and definitely not the two leads. Right from the start, they both seem to know they have made a terrible mistake. It only goes downhill from there. Zero chemistry, performances bordering on caricature and a truly terrible script make this movie an absolute and unqualified disaster. Please spread the word... have nothing to do with the Morgans.
The Next Three Days
Wendy Slevison
A married couple's life is turned upside down when the wife is accused of a murder.
"The Next Three Days" is an arrogant American remake of a first-rate French film. However, the elegance of the original is completely lost in translation. Absurd, implausible, boring and disconnected are words that come to mind to describe this pretentious mishmash. Actually, the leading man has about as much charisma as a lump of mash, and this is far from his best work. The leading lady is merely forgettable. As a couple… who cares? This supposed thriller feels as though it drags on for three days - please don't waste your time.
The Death of Mr. Lazarescu
Andrew O'Dea
Follows the title character as he is passed on from hospital to hospital waiting for dire attention.
As the health of Mr. Lazarescu deteriorates then fails, so does this film. If the intention was to force the audience to associate with (and endure) Mr. Lazarescu's suffering, then it is a resonating success. The shaky handheld camerawork becomes nauseating, and the drawn out length nearly bores us to death. You can't help finding yourself willing his demise to come sooner, not to end his agony, but your own. Such is the lack of empathy created by unstirring, stagnant scenes. Avoid like the plague.
The Happening
Luke Bartter
When large amounts of people start inexplicably committing suicide in America, panic ensues.
The real disappointment about this movie stems from it's obvious lack of quality throughout. Other than a few intense scenes, it's dull and long-winded, so your curiosity runs out regardless of the unusual phenomenon. When you stop caring about the 'why' or even what happens to the characters, watching feels like a task. Tedious and lifeless, the most mysterious thing is how "The Happening" managed to get made into a feature film.
Romulus, My Father
Luke Bartter
It tells the story of Romulus, his beautiful wife, Christina, and their struggle in the face of great adversity to bring up their son, Raimond.
This film is turgid and slow, full of uninteresting, 'poignant' scenes that seem to exist only to make the most of the lengthy running time. The characters suffer through their lives, and the audience suffers too, not in empathy, but in boredom. It's understandable that the target audience might be those who adore Australian independent films about the human condition, but in any case most will find it dull and uninspiring. Best avoided.
Abduction
Courtney Slevison
A young man sets out to uncover the truth after finding his baby photo on a missing persons website.
This movie feels like nothing more than an extended show reel for the young male lead, dreamed up by studio execs to make an easy buck. The space around the teen heartthrob is filled with an established and highly-regarded supporting cast, who have nothing to work with in a film that has been clumsily put together without even attempting to be clever, entertaining or exciting; all things a good spy flick should be. Underwhelming and completely devoid of any originality or inspiration, "Abduction" is a waste of time.
StreetDance 2
Wendy Slevison
After suffering humiliation by the crew Invincible, a street dancer looks to gather the best dancers from around the world for a rematch.
If the numbers in the title of this film cause a little uncertainty, listen to that feeling, and save your money. Actually, to call this a "film" is being quite generous - it's really just a succession of dance sequences. The dancing is very good, but that's it. The plodding, formulaic plot is like an afterthought, and the dancers are appalling actors anyway. Cheap, clumsy 3D effects do nothing to enhance what is essentially a rehash of all the other dance movies of recent times. Sit this one out.
Paper Soldier
Anne Murphy
A Soviet medical officer is conflicted about his position overseeing the health of future cosmonauts.
Perhaps it was the Russian storytelling style, or the poor subtitles, but this film was mostly unintelligible; as inaccessible as the vast barren plains on which it was set. The problem may have been situational - something to do with the futility of training cosmonauts in a desolate sodden Kazakhstan campsite. Was that the point this surreal viewing experience, complete with camels, was making? If the space race was anything like this, it must have been incomprehensible and doomed for gloom.
Death Defying Acts
Luke Bartter
On a tour of Britain in 1926, Harry Houdini enters into a passionate affair with a psychic out to con the famous magician.
Despite "Death's" great cast and look, it is disappointingly unengaging and flat. The director might want you to think "what happens next?", but never answers the question "why should you care?". The detachment from the characters severs all tension and excitement, even making Houdini's stunts seem lacklustre. Not worth your time, unless you really want to make a donation to support local cinema. Not even Houdini himself could escape the mediocrity of this film.
Nine
Wendy Slevison
Famous film director Guido Contini struggles both professionally and personally, as he engages in dramatic relationships with his wife, mistress, muse, agent, and (dead) mother.
This film, for all its pedigree, including an astonishing array of talent and a highly successful director, is a flop. A tedious and uninspiring melange of boring songs, superfluous characters, and very little narrative, it's a rare miscalculation in the career of the leading man, and a blot on the resumes of everyone else involved. Who convinced these people they could sing? Let 'nine' be the number of minutes it takes you to decide on which other movie you'll go and see instead of this debacle.
A Little Bit of Heaven
Tom Jones
A guarded woman finds out she's dying of cancer, but when she meets her match, the threat of falling in love is scarier than death.
This film is the most superficial and farcical depiction of a woman battling cancer ever to grace our screens. It goes so far the wrong way (think puns about colon cancer) that anyone who has experienced or been affected by the disease is likely to be offended by the way the subject is treated. The acting is of a quality you'd expect from a high school drama class and the script is terrible; heaven is a white cloud. Hard to like, even a little bit.
Something Borrowed
Tom Jones
Friendships are tested and secrets come to the surface when terminally single Rachel falls for Dex, her best friend Darcy's fiancé.
If any actor is quoted saying it was the 'great script', which attracted them to this film, they are lying. Sure the movie promotes itself as a romantic comedy, but it fails in both genres. Every time there are glimpses of comedy, the script turns it on its head and it all becomes really deep. You almost feel sorry for the actors who try their best to make lemonade out of lemons. "Something Borrowed" will borrow your time and never give it back.
The Dilemma
Anne Murphy
A man discovers that his best friend's wife is having an affair.
"The Dilemma" is a window into the phallocentric world of a couple of blokey blokes, and it might have been best to keep the blinds down. In a series of poorly edited improvisations, naif blockheads blunder around trying to bump into a joke. Serious themes are underdeveloped and presented with a whacky, zany tempo that leaves the effort uncomfortably mired in primitivism. It's disappointing given the plot opportunities to explore infidelity, depression, relationship, addictions, commitment and more. Insight or parody? No dilemma here mate, it's all ham.
Gone
Wendy Slevison
When her sister disappears, Jill is convinced the serial killer who kidnapped her has returned.
When a movie reaches fever pitch very early on, where else can it go but down? That's the case, resoundingly, for this one-dimensional would-be thriller. It's like paint by numbers. Young blonde heroine, tick. Orphaned and living alone with her younger sister amidst thousands of acres of forest, tick. Strange loner who people have noticed but know nothing about, tick. Oh dear, ho hum. How do they even raise the money to make this clichéd and vapid sop? As soon as you leave the cinema, all thought of this film and everyone involved in it will be…GONE!
Dorian Gray
Wendy Slevison
A corrupt young man keeps his youthful beauty eternally, but a painting reveals his inner ugliness.
Set in Victorian London, this film is a turgid and vulgar representation of a fascinating morality tale by an author renowned for his witty social commentary. Sadly, all wit is lost due to the blank, lacklustre performance by the central player. Despite stylishly replicating the era,and having a strong support cast, "Dorian Gray" completely lacks substance, and the CGI effects used for the portrait become increasingly, albeit unintentionally, comic. Regrettably, this movie is as ugly in it's essence as the title character.