What to Expect When You're Expecting - Movie Poster

What to Expect When You're Expecting

2.0 Wendy Slevison

A look at love through the eyes of five couples experiencing the thrills and surprises of having a baby.

If you're the type of person who has always found pregnancy funny, then this may just be the film for you! Based on the best-selling 1980's advice book of the same name, this muddled mess struggles to connect with its audience. Too many storylines, too little character development and way too many clichéd jokes make the best thing about this movie the incredibly lifelike, prosthetic pregnant bellies. If this is your thing, great. Otherwise, don't expect much.

J. Edgar - Movie Poster

J. Edgar

2.0 Andrew O'Dea

Director of the FBI for almost 40 years, J.Edgar Hoover was feared and admired, reviled and revered.

This biopic is as unprovocative as it is uninformative. So much of "J Edgar" is dedicated towards an unnecessary focus on the man's battle with his sexuality and unrequited romance that it loses direction. Eventually, it labours towards the end of what is ultimately a dull and turgid affair. Utterly disappointing when you consider the talent of the director and the squandered opportunity to delve into the life of one of the most influential and controversial characters in the history of the United States. Sucks almost as much as the protagonists' vacuous namesake.

Fifty Shades of Grey - Movie Poster

Fifty Shades of Grey

2.0 Anthony Macali

Literature student Anastasia's life changes forever when she meets handsome billionaire Christian.

"Fifty Shades of Grey" is a story about the allure of wealth, and bizarre sexual contractual agreements that arise from 'dating' a wealthy man. An introduction to these politics from our two leads is assuredly the most interesting part of the film. Unfortunately the rest is a bitter disappointment, dominated by a tiring and flirtatious game of to-and-fro, a precursor to the passionless and sanitised sex that follows. Attractive leads, inadvertent laughs and very little to love. Don't submit to boredom.

The Bucket List - Movie Poster

The Bucket List

2.0 Anthony Macali

Two terminally ill men escape from a cancer ward and head off on a road trip with a wish list of to-dos before they die.

The problem about these two men, apart from their uninspired performances, is the fact we don't care if they pass away or not. Their ambitions are more comparable to household chores, as they trudge along each adventure in vapid fashion. The whole act is a little too cheesy, corny, and convenient for my liking. Better suited for a TV midday movie, this film should not be on your list.

Mammuth - Movie Poster


1.5 Anne Murphy

A retiree battles to obtain his rightfully due pension.

The grainy uneven quality of this film could be interpreted as artistic or just plain grainy and uneven. This movie was black to the point of miserable. Rather than being entertaining, "Mammuth" is bizarre. Populated with lifeless and simple characters, it's also dull. Even if you 'get' the redemptive elements of the awkward road-trip, you can't help but resent the waste of your time spent watching these lives less lived. Honestly there is no poetry in sliced ham, but you'll have to sit through a screening to 'get' that reference. Only if you must.

Holy Motors - Movie Poster

Holy Motors

1.5 Stefan Bugryn

The mysterious Monsieur Oscar spends a day vaulting from one persona to the next…

Be warned: this surrealist fantasia is one hell of a challenge. Like an abstract painting, precious little is explained, and almost everything is open to interpretation. More questions are raised than answered, which will no doubt instigate discussion and arguments after viewing. Sadly, the majority of those questions are just plain pretentious, self indulgent, and weird. It will confound, confuse, shock, tease, frustrate, and ultimately, divide the audience. If it doesn't captivate you, it will simply disgust you. But that's the beauty of cinema, right? Well, not for everyone.

The Judge - Movie Poster

The Judge

1.5 Jan Di Pietro

A big city lawyer returns home where his father, the town's judge, is suspected of murder.

"The Judge" provides genteel drama with textbook precision. It places the family unit and justice as the guiding institutions for society, suggesting that if Middle America's families are suffering, the world will come crumbling down. What we all need, apparently, is law to keep us "equal". There are funny, commendable performances, although they are stained by poor script and story, and it becomes frustrating to watch genuinely interesting characters held hostage to beige tasks. Raise your right hand… away from your wallet!

A Few Days in September - Movie Poster

A Few Days in September

1.5 Anthony Macali

September the 1st, 2001. Elliot, an American CIA agent holding top secret information on the immediate future of the world.

This film is best summarised in its title. It simply follows a couple of people spending a few days in September. They talk; sometimes they meet people, only to have to wait a day to meet them again, allowing more hapless discussion. The direction features a series of blurry shots throughout, with an impact undermined by the headaches they induce. The dialogue is ambiguous, characters ever-so irritating and an ending more irksome than profound.

Push - Movie Poster


1.5 Andrew O'Dea

Two young Americans with special abilities must race to find a girl in Hong Kong before a shadowy government organization called Division does.

"Push" is a forgettable addition to the 'superheroes' genre. The only superpower present here is the uncanny ability to teleport from one completely inane plot hole to another. The storyline is as boring as it is confusing, exacerbated by flimsy handheld camerawork and an unflattering visual style. Even the ostentatious action sequences end up looking like nothing more than sci-fi muddle. When push comes to shove, this film falls flat on its face.

Margaret - Movie Poster


1.5 Stefan Bugryn

A horrific bus accident sends a young woman down an emotionally destructive path to seek justice.

This film is painfully long. The lazy editing could have culled a scene or ten, saving the audience some sanity and patience. Instead, we’re left with an overly intricate nit-picking of one of the most annoying characters in cinema. She is a dishonest, manipulative, and obnoxious teenager who uses others for her own self-righteousness. The supposed saving grace is her ‘noble’ intention, but she comes across as nothing more than an unrelenting monster. A lot of the scenes are too pretentious and preachy to be taken seriously. Have a Margarita instead.

Hahaha - Movie Poster


1.5 Anne Murphy

Two men, who don't realise they have just holidayed in the same place, at the same time, and with the same people, talk about their respective holidays over drinks.

The premise of "Hahaha" is quite amusing and the film is described as a comedy. It's a low budget effort with no fancy props or effects. Redolent of a lazy summer holiday, the pace is almost lethargic. However, the pace and simple presentation are problematic when watching becomes tedious and eye-lids heavy. Despite the cleverness of the plot told from different perspectives, the film relates a boring tale albeit in a picturesque setting. Hmmmmm...

Fighting - Movie Poster


1.5 Andrew O'Dea

In New York City, a young counterfeiter is introduced to the world of street fighting.

"Fighting" is yet another 'underground' brawling pic that packs little punch. Don't be mislead by the title, as this movie plays more like an unconvincing character study interrupted by the odd fist-fight. Weighed down by a seriously sluggish plot, it drags on from scene to scene, evoking little feeling except making you want to throw in the towel. Brutal, bone-crunching fights are laughable, leaving the mumbling pretty-boy-lead with nothing but a few scratches on his chin. Pay the price for admission and you're in for one nasty sucker-punch.

Play - Movie Poster


1.5 Anne Murphy

Over the course of a tense afternoon, a gang of five lure three younger boys into a complex street scam in order to rob them.

"Play" is based on real events that happened in Sweden. The movie is shot on location and uses untrained actors, imbibing a mockumentary tone, leaving a funny taste that it is neither fact nor fiction. The interactions between the cocky perpetrators and the intimidated targets make racial tensions uncomfortably palpable, but there's little else on offer. Interesting enough, but real-time drags like slow motion as the film goes on and on without getting anywhere. No fun.

The Time Traveller's Wife - Movie Poster

The Time Traveller's Wife

1.5 Anne Murphy

A romantic drama about a Chicago librarian with a gene that causes him to involuntarily time travel, and the complications it creates for his marriage.

"The Time Traveller's Wife" has an imaginative storyline centred on an incredible romance that transcends time. Something must have gone wrong in production, as the telling of this tale is unforgivably banal. This movie is such a drag viewers will find themselves wishing for an ability to time travel beyond the credits to escape the tedium. With no on-screen chemistry it's hard to even care about the time traveller's wife's husband or his wife.

Passengers - Movie Poster


1.5 Andrew O'Dea

A grief counselor working with a group of plane-crash survivors finds herself at the root of a mystery when her clients begin to disappear.

"Passengers" is a horrible drama that fails dismally in its feeble attempt to pose as a thriller. Everything about the movie is decidedly uneventful, accentuated by sluggish pacing and an unremarkable script. The gloomy camerawork throughout succeeds only in making the vapid plot seem monotonous; the only respite coming when it inevitably crashes and burns in a dissatisfying twist-ending. If you pay to go watch this film, you will have been taken for a ride.

Curling - Movie Poster


1.5 Andrew O'Dea

A keen look at the unusual private life of a father and his daughter, set on the fringe of society.

This is one of those movies where the audience is left in suspense, waiting with the expectation of some hidden moral message or meaning to come. Except in this film, it never does. Sure, the point might very well be the examination of a protagonist who in essence is uninteresting, or even the examination of an uninteresting man's life... unfortunately this translates to the entirety of "Curling" as well. Sitting through it will leave you wishing you were able to stick your head in the snow of its wintry backdrop than endure another drawn-out minute. Would rather cop a snowball to the face.

Knowing - Movie Poster


1.5 Anthony Macali

A teacher opens a time capsule that has been dug up at his son's elementary school; in it are some chilling predictions lead him to believe his family plays a role in the events that are about to unfold.

"Knowing" is a movie about numbers and creepy whispering guys who ghost around gifting children smooth black rocks and cute white rabbits. These are but small examples of its absurdity, and should only appeal to those sadistic few who enjoy seeing large groups of people killed in disastrous CGI mayhem (or the constant and expressionless face of the lead actor). Knowing this is what the future may hold, there is no excuse to watch this film.

Dorian Gray - Movie Poster

Dorian Gray

1.5 Wendy Slevison

A corrupt young man keeps his youthful beauty eternally, but a painting reveals his inner ugliness.

Set in Victorian London, this film is a turgid and vulgar representation of a fascinating morality tale by an author renowned for his witty social commentary. Sadly, all wit is lost due to the blank, lacklustre performance by the central player. Despite stylishly replicating the era,and having a strong support cast, "Dorian Gray" completely lacks substance, and the CGI effects used for the portrait become increasingly, albeit unintentionally, comic. Regrettably, this movie is as ugly in it's essence as the title character.

Tabu - Movie Poster


1.5 Anne Murphy

A Lisbon woman seeks out a man who has a secret connection to her neighbour’s past life on a farm by Mount Tabu in Africa.

The film-maker's craft is skillfully realised in stunning black and white, and "Tabu" is visually rewarding. Innovative audio techniques leave the telling of the background story to a narrator with a flat style that eventually weighs down interest. The real let down is a plot that lacks depth. The movie is not redeemed by its symbolism... a crocodile obviously warns of lurking danger. Ironically it's the very same reptile that remains the only snappy thing about this film. Not fabu(lous).

Gone - Movie Poster


1.0 Wendy Slevison

When her sister disappears, Jill is convinced the serial killer who kidnapped her has returned.

When a movie reaches fever pitch very early on, where else can it go but down? That's the case, resoundingly, for this one-dimensional would-be thriller. It's like paint by numbers. Young blonde heroine, tick. Orphaned and living alone with her younger sister amidst thousands of acres of forest, tick. Strange loner who people have noticed but know nothing about, tick. Oh dear, ho hum. How do they even raise the money to make this clichéd and vapid sop? As soon as you leave the cinema, all thought of this film and everyone involved in it will be…GONE!

Abduction - Movie Poster


1.0 Courtney Slevison

A young man sets out to uncover the truth after finding his baby photo on a missing persons website.

This movie feels like nothing more than an extended show reel for the young male lead, dreamed up by studio execs to make an easy buck. The space around the teen heartthrob is filled with an established and highly-regarded supporting cast, who have nothing to work with in a film that has been clumsily put together without even attempting to be clever, entertaining or exciting; all things a good spy flick should be. Underwhelming and completely devoid of any originality or inspiration, "Abduction" is a waste of time.

Paper Soldier - Movie Poster

Paper Soldier

1.0 Anne Murphy

A Soviet medical officer is conflicted about his position overseeing the health of future cosmonauts.

Perhaps it was the Russian storytelling style, or the poor subtitles, but this film was mostly unintelligible; as inaccessible as the vast barren plains on which it was set. The problem may have been situational - something to do with the futility of training cosmonauts in a desolate sodden Kazakhstan campsite. Was that the point this surreal viewing experience, complete with camels, was making? If the space race was anything like this, it must have been incomprehensible and doomed for gloom.

Romulus, My Father - Movie Poster

Romulus, My Father

1.0 Luke Bartter

It tells the story of Romulus, his beautiful wife, Christina, and their struggle in the face of great adversity to bring up their son, Raimond.

This film is turgid and slow, full of uninteresting, 'poignant' scenes that seem to exist only to make the most of the lengthy running time. The characters suffer through their lives, and the audience suffers too, not in empathy, but in boredom. It's understandable that the target audience might be those who adore Australian independent films about the human condition, but in any case most will find it dull and uninspiring. Best avoided.

Something Borrowed - Movie Poster

Something Borrowed

1.0 Thomas Jones

Friendships are tested and secrets come to the surface when terminally single Rachel falls for Dex, her best friend Darcy's fiancé.

If any actor is quoted saying it was the 'great script', which attracted them to this film, they are lying. Sure the movie promotes itself as a romantic comedy, but it fails in both genres. Every time there are glimpses of comedy, the script turns it on its head and it all becomes really deep. You almost feel sorry for the actors who try their best to make lemonade out of lemons. "Something Borrowed" will borrow your time and never give it back.

Nine - Movie Poster


1.0 Wendy Slevison

Famous film director Guido Contini struggles both professionally and personally, as he engages in dramatic relationships with his wife, mistress, muse, agent, and (dead) mother.

This film, for all its pedigree, including an astonishing array of talent and a highly successful director, is a flop. A tedious and uninspiring melange of boring songs, superfluous characters, and very little narrative, it's a rare miscalculation in the career of the leading man, and a blot on the resumes of everyone else involved. Who convinced these people they could sing? Let 'nine' be the number of minutes it takes you to decide on which other movie you'll go and see instead of this debacle.