10,000 BC
Anthony Macali
A prehistoric epic that follows a young mammoth hunter's journey through uncharted territory to secure the future of his tribe.
I can only imagine how this film's pre-production went. "We can have a script or generate a woolly mammoth? We could cast decent actors or generate another woolly mammoth? Maybe consider throwing in some pre-historic authenticity, or just go with another one of those impressive woolly mammoths?". As empty as the desert, and unintelligent as the dialogue and cavemen that inhabit this film, "10000 BC" is one of the worst films in history.
Clash of the Titans
Anthony Macali
The mortal son of the god Zeus embarks on a perilous journey to stop the underworld and its minions from spreading their evil to Earth as well as the heavens.
"Clash of the Titans" is one of those big budget blockbusters bursting with special effects that attempt to distract the viewer from the mediocre story, clunky dialogue and wooden characters. Sure, there is great production value, but that doesn't atone for how atrociously boring this film is, or how the retrofitted 3D makes a mess of anyone possessing long hair - demigod and mortal alike. It may bring Gods to life, but will destroy the faith of anyone wishing to worship this horrendous beast.
Dragonball Evolution
Luke Bartter
The young warrior Son Goku sets out on a quest, racing against time and the vengeful King Piccolo.
This is a bland by-the-numbers adaptation that makes the extraordinary seem ordinary, and where viewers with even the lowest expectations will find disappointment. Poor acting, a predictable story, and weak special effects, it bears a closer resemblance to a compilation of amatuer clips rather than an actual movie. The mercifully brief running time is it's best trait, and all that is required for each of the caricatures to grind out each scene till the ridiculous ending. A harsh betrayal of the manga and anime that came before it, "Dragonball Evolution" is anything but.
Land of the Lost
Andrew O'Dea
On his latest expedition, Dr. Rick Marshall is sucked into a space-time vortex alongside his research assistant and a redneck survivalist.
"Land of the Lost" is an abomination of a movie. Bad sets combine with bad acting to create a "comedy" with no excuse for the multitude of tasteless jokes devoid of even the slightest hint of wit. Every scene seems to be nothing more than yet another tireless opportunity to parade some gimmicky prop, as it consistently loses all sense of direction. The only thing to be found in this film is an overwhelming sense of relief when the end credits roll.
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Courtney Slevison
Jack Sparrow and Barbossa embark on a quest to find the elusive fountain of youth.
This installment of the "Pirates" franchise is quite simply a waste of time. Despite a lengthy running time, nothing new or fresh is introduced, nor are existing relationships or characters developed. Everyone's favourite pirate, Jack Sparrow, becomes a parody of his former self as he delivers one cheesy one-liner after another. The film simply goes through the motions without anywhere near the excitement or enchantment of its predecessors. Unfortunately, the amazing set design and dazzling CGI effects are the only saving grace of this sinking ship.
Shrek the Third
Luke Bartter
When his new father-in-law, King Harold falls ill, Shrek is looked to as the heir of the land Far, Far Away.
The story is thin, but this is usually overcome by providing enough solid laughs. Lacking the emotional pull of the first film and the thrilling finale of the second, the third film just languishes in its ordinariness. Another problem is that despite introducing several new characters, the films few laughs come when Donkey and Puss in Boots are on screen, and when they're not present it just feels flat. "Shrek The Third" is strictly for the fans and is medi-ogre at best. Heh.
The Three Musketeers
Andrew O'Dea
The Musketeers unite to save the French throne and prevent Europe from being engulfed in war.
This take on "The Three Musketeers" is an unoriginal and pointless exercise that would have the original author of the classic rolling in his grave. A blatant attempt at a 'franchise cash-grab', this film has all the charisma and wit of a feathered plume. The special effects alone are dismally substandard, and as if it weren't enough, we're also exposed to 3D in its most exploitative form; a retro-fitted mess that adds nothing to the action except to serve as an annoying excuse to shoot cannonballs and point swords in our faces. All for one? One to miss.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Courtney Slevison
An elite military unit comprised of special operatives known as G.I. Joe, takes on an evil organization led by a notorious arms dealer.
In an already crowded genre, it takes a lot for a sci-fi action flick to stand out. It requires clever script-writing, restraint in the special effects department and quality acting. This film has none of those elements, and is therefore a forgettable, mediocre experience. The dialogue is so bad it's hard to sit through, and is punctuated every 10 minutes by an action sequence so over-produced it seems cartoon-ish. For die-hard actions fans only!
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Anthony Macali
The pirate lords of the world must unite to defend themselves against the East Indian Trading Company. This includes Captain Jack Sparrow, who must be retrieved from Davey Jones' Locker.
"Pirates" is long voyage of excruciating proportions that will leave you befuddled and confused. Don't worry if you don't understand any of it, as the monkey will do something funny after each key plot point is revealed to relieve you of the frustration of trying to comprehend the story. The director struggles to garner any credible performances from the crew, favouring computer action sequences over coherence. This movie sinks.
The Last Airbender
Andrew O'Dea
The story follows the adventures of Aang, a young successor to a long line of Avatars, who must put his childhood ways aside and stop the Fire Nation from enslaving the Water, Earth and Air nations.
"The Last Airbender" is capable in that its 3D medium manages to enhance rather than to 'point' out its special effects are fairly impressive. Unfortunately, the positives stop there, as the relative success of its visuals simply don't correlate to a script which fails dismally in its translation to the big screen. The film's myriad of problems are only burdened further by stilted dialogue and a truly lacklustre finale that disparagingly promises this won't be the last we see of 'airbending' any time soon.
Transporter 3
Anthony Macali
Frank Martin puts the driving gloves on to deliver Valentina, the kidnapped daughter of a Ukranian government official, from Marseilles to Odessa on the Black Sea.
Third time around, it's obviously hard to keep things fresh. "Transporter 3" pushes the boundaries in action and style, with absolutely preposterous results. If the story wasn't so grounded in reality, they could get away with such absurdity, but the expressionless one-dimensional characters and "fast-forward the action bits" film technique make it very frustrating to watch. This movie is a disappointing package that never delivers.
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
Anthony Macali
In the Far East, trouble-seeking father-and-son duo Rick and Alex O'Connell unearth the mummy of the first Emperor of Qin -- a shape-shifting entity who was cursed by a wizard centuries ago.
This movie is your typical Hollywood adventure flick; family friendly, light-hearted, simple plot with simple characters. But at what point in time did copious amounts of computer generated scenes substitute for real action? It makes the film lifeless, uninspiring and unbelievable. "Tomb of the Dragon Emperor" delivers all you would expect in its mediocrity. We can only hope this story is finally dead, destined for burial, and never to be unearthed again.
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
Anthony Macali
Based on the video game, which follows an adventurous prince who teams up with a rival princess to stop an angry ruler from unleashing a sandstorm that could destroy the world.
"Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time" is another disappointing game adaptation with an underwhelming story and clunky CGI. The action is good but the editing is brash, and its over-reliance on special effects is a curse, despite the brief moments it's actually of valuable consequence. Naturally there are nods to its origins, but they didn't need to bring back the two-dimensional characters. The hourglass just doesn't run out quick enough on this one.
Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
Andrew O'Dea
When Sid's attempt to adopt three dinosaur eggs gets him abducted by their real mother to an underground lost world, his friends attempt to rescue him.
"Ice Age 3" fails dismally in its attempt at what is now the benchmark for a successful animation - the discerning ability to entertain both kids and adults alike. Stunning visuals alone are not enough, more importantly, there must be a plot to match. The creativity of the earliest films have all but melted away, as the paint-by-numbers storyline combines with jokes so dated they're almost pre-historic. Let's hope this franchise is now extinct too.
Night at the Museum 2
Andrew O'Dea
Security guard Larry Daley infiltrates the Smithsonian Institute in order to rescue his old friends.
"Night at the Museum 2" is an unfunny, unimaginative story devoid of any of the creativity and charm of its predecessor. Outstanding visuals are buried beneath a sprawling mess of a screenplay, as a mish-mash of gimmicky characters spend the entire movie running, babbling and slapping their way through what is a blatant recipe for dollars. Most annoying is a host of underdeveloped historical figures making wise-cracks that adults simply won't find funny, and children won't even be able to relate to. This exhibit deserves to be shut-down permanently.