Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Anthony Macali
The Fantastic Four learn that they aren't the only super-powered beings in the universe when they square off against the powerful Silver Surfer and the planet-eating Galactus.
The Fantastic Four have become a group of scientists without any chemistry. We don't see enough of our beloved Silver Surfer. If only the producers gathered even more conspicuous product placement, they could have extended his stay. Overshadowed by the Surfer, Reed and Sue's relationship is not interesting. The innocuous jokes that sustained the first film are all gone, and all we are left is another sequel that is high in special effects, and nothing else special.
The Expendables
Stefan Bugryn
A team of mercenaries head to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator.
"The Expendables" is a testosterone fuelled man-movie that packs a record amount of masculinity into an extremely unoriginal script. The premise is simple, and has been done over a million times in one way or another. The characters are like big plastic action figures with no depth behind barrels of sweaty muscle, and their swift delivery of bullets and pain is matched only by their cheesy one liners and laughable acting. If mindless action and explosions is your thing, drop everything and see this movie. Otherwise, expend your time elsewhere.
2012
Anthony Macali
An epic adventure about a global cataclysm that brings an end to the world.
For the most part, "2012" requires you to be strapped in as you are overwhelmed by loud noises and CGI carnage. But what little joy there is to savour in the crumbling of national monuments is quickly lost in the cracks of boredom. There are only so many times a plane can out-run impending destruction before a plot becomes anymore predictable, while we look at our watches and wonder why oh why is it taking so long for the world to end? Yet another disappointment from a director of disasters.
The Last Airbender
Andrew O'Dea
The story follows the adventures of Aang, a young successor to a long line of Avatars, who must put his childhood ways aside and stop the Fire Nation from enslaving the Water, Earth and Air nations.
"The Last Airbender" is capable in that its 3D medium manages to enhance rather than to 'point' out its special effects are fairly impressive. Unfortunately, the positives stop there, as the relative success of its visuals simply don't correlate to a script which fails dismally in its translation to the big screen. The film's myriad of problems are only burdened further by stilted dialogue and a truly lacklustre finale that disparagingly promises this won't be the last we see of 'airbending' any time soon.
TMNT
Anthony Macali
Four turtle brothers, mutated from toxic ooze and master ninjas, must work together and battle an ancient mysterious evil to save the world.
When you're young, turtles are the ultimate pets, ninja is cool and pizza is your favourite food. I still enjoy pizza, but I also enjoyed the rubber suits from the old "TMNT" movies. Replaced with CGI, the new "TMNT" is targeted at a much younger audience. The story is a bit silly, but sweet nun-chuck skills and a happy ending will be a lot of fun for kids. It needs to make more funny's to be totally bodacious.
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
Anthony Macali
Based on the video game, which follows an adventurous prince who teams up with a rival princess to stop an angry ruler from unleashing a sandstorm that could destroy the world.
"Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time" is another disappointing game adaptation with an underwhelming story and clunky CGI. The action is good but the editing is brash, and its over-reliance on special effects is a curse, despite the brief moments it's actually of valuable consequence. Naturally there are nods to its origins, but they didn't need to bring back the two-dimensional characters. The hourglass just doesn't run out quick enough on this one.
Jumper
Anthony Macali
A genetic anomaly allows a young man to teleport himself anywhere. He discovers this gift has existed for centuries and finds himself in a war that has been raging for thousands of years.
Our young hero entertains when exploiting his gift to rob banks and travel the world. It's unacceptable to spend the entire film showcasing how cool this teleporting is. Whenever our protagonist meets the other characters of the story, the interactions are simply woeful. This film constantly jumps scene to scene skipping any traces of plot or action and leaving a scar of disappointment no person should go through.
The Tale of Despereaux
Wendy Slevison
The tale of three unlikely heroes - a misfit mouse, an unhappy rat, and a bumbling servant girl with cauliflower ears - whose fates are intertwined with that of a castle's young princess.
This movie, while looking like a beautiful old edition of a German Fairytale, has a bewildered storyline and crudely realised characters. While the nobility are given elegant equine faces, the servant girl and her father look like cabbage patch dolls - clichés that are disappointing given the potential of the animation genre. This film has no warmth or heart, and is a lacklustre contribution to the holiday movie releases for children.
Conan the Barbarian
Andrew O'Dea
The tale of Conan the Cimmerian and his adventures across the continent of Hyboria on a quest to avenge the murder of his father and the slaughter of his village.
"Conan the Barbarian" is a spectacle without substance. Produced on a large scale, the set design and fight sequences are initially impressive, replete with gruesome, blood-spattering violence. Most disappointing though, is that ultimately the film becomes repetitive and tiresome. Amplified by the lack of any characterisation at all, the audience soon discovers there's no backbone to the bone-crushing... and the most barbaric thing is the fact you have to pay the cost of admission.
Land of the Lost
Andrew O'Dea
On his latest expedition, Dr. Rick Marshall is sucked into a space-time vortex alongside his research assistant and a redneck survivalist.
"Land of the Lost" is an abomination of a movie. Bad sets combine with bad acting to create a "comedy" with no excuse for the multitude of tasteless jokes devoid of even the slightest hint of wit. Every scene seems to be nothing more than yet another tireless opportunity to parade some gimmicky prop, as it consistently loses all sense of direction. The only thing to be found in this film is an overwhelming sense of relief when the end credits roll.
Shrek the Third
Luke Bartter
When his new father-in-law, King Harold falls ill, Shrek is looked to as the heir of the land Far, Far Away.
The story is thin, but this is usually overcome by providing enough solid laughs. Lacking the emotional pull of the first film and the thrilling finale of the second, the third film just languishes in its ordinariness. Another problem is that despite introducing several new characters, the films few laughs come when Donkey and Puss in Boots are on screen, and when they're not present it just feels flat. "Shrek The Third" is strictly for the fans and is medi-ogre at best. Heh.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Courtney Slevison
An elite military unit comprised of special operatives known as G.I. Joe, takes on an evil organization led by a notorious arms dealer.
In an already crowded genre, it takes a lot for a sci-fi action flick to stand out. It requires clever script-writing, restraint in the special effects department and quality acting. This film has none of those elements, and is therefore a forgettable, mediocre experience. The dialogue is so bad it's hard to sit through, and is punctuated every 10 minutes by an action sequence so over-produced it seems cartoon-ish. For die-hard actions fans only!
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Courtney Slevison
Jack Sparrow and Barbossa embark on a quest to find the elusive fountain of youth.
This installment of the "Pirates" franchise is quite simply a waste of time. Despite a lengthy running time, nothing new or fresh is introduced, nor are existing relationships or characters developed. Everyone's favourite pirate, Jack Sparrow, becomes a parody of his former self as he delivers one cheesy one-liner after another. The film simply goes through the motions without anywhere near the excitement or enchantment of its predecessors. Unfortunately, the amazing set design and dazzling CGI effects are the only saving grace of this sinking ship.
The Three Musketeers
Andrew O'Dea
The Musketeers unite to save the French throne and prevent Europe from being engulfed in war.
This take on "The Three Musketeers" is an unoriginal and pointless exercise that would have the original author of the classic rolling in his grave. A blatant attempt at a 'franchise cash-grab', this film has all the charisma and wit of a feathered plume. The special effects alone are dismally substandard, and as if it weren't enough, we're also exposed to 3D in its most exploitative form; a retro-fitted mess that adds nothing to the action except to serve as an annoying excuse to shoot cannonballs and point swords in our faces. All for one? One to miss.
10,000 BC
Anthony Macali
A prehistoric epic that follows a young mammoth hunter's journey through uncharted territory to secure the future of his tribe.
I can only imagine how this film's pre-production went. "We can have a script or generate a woolly mammoth? We could cast decent actors or generate another woolly mammoth? Maybe consider throwing in some pre-historic authenticity, or just go with another one of those impressive woolly mammoths?". As empty as the desert, and unintelligent as the dialogue and cavemen that inhabit this film, "10000 BC" is one of the worst films in history.