Superhero Movie!
Anthony Macali
A send-up of superhero films, from Batman Begins to Fantastic Four.
Everybody involved in this project should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Anytime I think about the fact there was a script for this movie, it makes me want to bang my head against the wall. "Superhero Movie!" is terribly bad and not even remotely funny. The only thing that can be considered funny is that people are still actually paying to watch these insipid films. Don't watch this movie as they will only make more.
The Holiday
Anthony Macali
Two women, both with men issues, go on holiday for two weeks by swapping. This can only lead to love.
A romantic comedy with characters you are entirely unsympathetic for. It wouldn't even classify as a comedy, as the over-the-top antics on display are not lovable, only annoying. It wouldn't even classify as a romance, as the contrivances that bring the leads together leave little work for them to impress each other. This movie is simply stupid and it hurt watching it.
10,000 BC
Anthony Macali
A prehistoric epic that follows a young mammoth hunter's journey through uncharted territory to secure the future of his tribe.
I can only imagine how this film's pre-production went. "We can have a script or generate a woolly mammoth? We could cast decent actors or generate another woolly mammoth? Maybe consider throwing in some pre-historic authenticity, or just go with another one of those impressive woolly mammoths?". As empty as the desert, and unintelligent as the dialogue and cavemen that inhabit this film, "10000 BC" is one of the worst films in history.
Clash of the Titans
Anthony Macali
The mortal son of the god Zeus embarks on a perilous journey to stop the underworld and its minions from spreading their evil to Earth as well as the heavens.
"Clash of the Titans" is one of those big budget blockbusters bursting with special effects that attempt to distract the viewer from the mediocre story, clunky dialogue and wooden characters. Sure, there is great production value, but that doesn't atone for how atrociously boring this film is, or how the retrofitted 3D makes a mess of anyone possessing long hair - demigod and mortal alike. It may bring Gods to life, but will destroy the faith of anyone wishing to worship this horrendous beast.
Knowing
Anthony Macali
A teacher opens a time capsule that has been dug up at his son's elementary school; in it are some chilling predictions lead him to believe his family plays a role in the events that are about to unfold.
"Knowing" is a movie about numbers and creepy whispering guys who ghost around gifting children smooth black rocks and cute white rabbits. These are but small examples of its absurdity, and should only appeal to those sadistic few who enjoy seeing large groups of people killed in disastrous CGI mayhem (or the constant and expressionless face of the lead actor). Knowing this is what the future may hold, there is no excuse to watch this film.
Cop Out
Anthony Macali
A comedy about a veteran NYPD cop whose rare baseball card is stolen. Since it's his only hope to pay for his daughter's upcoming wedding, he recruits his partner to track down the thief.
"Cop Out" is a deliberate homage to the budding action-comedy films of the eighties, and does them a great injustice. There are some jokes, but they mainly consist of characters behaving badly to themes of terribly distorted music that insult the subject of its imitations. Admittedly, there is fun pondering over the motivations of the cast and if they realised they were a partner to such a flop. This film should be suspended without release.
A Few Days in September
Anthony Macali
September the 1st, 2001. Elliot, an American CIA agent holding top secret information on the immediate future of the world.
This film is best summarised in its title. It simply follows a couple of people spending a few days in September. They talk; sometimes they meet people, only to have to wait a day to meet them again, allowing more hapless discussion. The direction features a series of blurry shots throughout, with an impact undermined by the headaches they induce. The dialogue is ambiguous, characters ever-so irritating and an ending more irksome than profound.
Battle: Los Angeles
Anthony Macali
A recently discharged Staff Sergeant goes back into the line of duty in order to assist a 2nd Lieutenant and his platoon as they fight to reclaim the city of Los Angeles from alien invaders.
"Battle: Los Angeles" is good at a few things: making sure the plot is abundantly clear, and producing loud noises to accompany the greatest array of CGI army vehicles and artillery ever known to man. Only a few clicks into the running time, the mind numbs, and your time is invaded by boredom. The inordinate amounts of action will only provide service to pubescent teens seeking the same experience as their video games. Want more than pyrotechnics, and you're fighting a losing battle.
A Nightmare on Elm Street
Anthony Macali
A re-imagining of the horror icon Freddy Krueger, a serial-killer who wields a glove with four blades embedded in the fingers and kills people in their dreams, resulting in their real death in reality.
Without an introduction, "A Nightmare on Elm Street" is terribly confusing. Some cool transitional effects blur the real and dream worlds: Freddy appears loudly, he cuts, blood is spilled... and the kids die in an amusing fashion. The result isn't very good, as too much tension is drawn from sound and not setup. Despite many micro-lapses, it does its best to keep you alive till the very end, and it eventually starts to make a little sense. It's difficult to stay awake during this deeply inferior remake.
The Bucket List
Anthony Macali
Two terminally ill men escape from a cancer ward and head off on a road trip with a wish list of to-dos before they die.
The problem about these two men, apart from their uninspired performances, is the fact we don't care if they pass away or not. Their ambitions are more comparable to household chores, as they trudge along each adventure in vapid fashion. The whole act is a little too cheesy, corny, and convenient for my liking. Better suited for a TV midday movie, this film should not be on your list.
Wanted
Anthony Macali
A frustrated office worker learns that he is the son of a professional assassin, and that he shares his father's superhuman killing abilities.
The major problem with "Wanted" is that it's really stupid. It requires an absolute suspension of belief, as we're supposed to believe "looms of fate" can prove fatal. Story aside, some of the sequences are decent in their slow-mo gun-toting CGI kind of way. If the film didn't take itself so seriously, the setup would not be completely ridiculous. Over-the-top choreographed action cannot save it from a predictable plot and a fraternity of two-dimensional characters.
Melancholia
Anthony Macali
Two sisters find their relationship challenged as a nearby planet threatens to collide into the Earth.
"Melancholia" starts with a series of hauntingly beautiful apocalyptic visuals, but as you barely survive this slow intro, you soon realise the rest of the film is just an excuse for this showcase. The story is divided into two parts, and both are equally dull, as it follows irritating characters played with admittedly impressive performances. The sisters are distant, ill and grappling with life in the confines of their contemptible lavish setting. Parallels are drawn, and you see why the luminous body in the sky was named so, but you don't care. This planet just won't hurtle towards us fast enough.
Taking Woodstock
Anthony Macali
A man working at his parents' motel in the Catskills inadvertently sets in motion the generation-defining concert in the summer of 1969.
"Taking Woodstock" presents a curious perspective of the legendary festival, whose sheer logistics provide more interest than anything else. The story centres on Elliot, as we watch him break free from his parents to co-ordinate a festival for thousands of hippies. While the film captures the culture of the time, it unfortunately shuns the music, meaning most will come away feeling less than "high". Take away the bright colours, and you have a dull film.
Attack the Block
Anthony Macali
A teen gang in South London defend their block from an alien invasion.
Right, in "Attack the Block" you got these vicious gorilla alien 'tings. They try to merc our crew, fo' real, and it can get quite scary when they use their glow-in-the-dark teeth, 'innit. The lighting is awesome yo', but them characters aren't the best and thankfully don't last long... if you know what I'm saying. The leader of the gang is cool, and believable, but the rest of the film gets too repetitive and not likeable and stuff. Everyone keeps talking like 'tis, you know, and it gets way irritating by the end. No need to check it.
TMNT
Anthony Macali
Four turtle brothers, mutated from toxic ooze and master ninjas, must work together and battle an ancient mysterious evil to save the world.
When you're young, turtles are the ultimate pets, ninja is cool and pizza is your favourite food. I still enjoy pizza, but I also enjoyed the rubber suits from the old "TMNT" movies. Replaced with CGI, the new "TMNT" is targeted at a much younger audience. The story is a bit silly, but sweet nun-chuck skills and a happy ending will be a lot of fun for kids. It needs to make more funny's to be totally bodacious.